december 19, 1998 was an incredibly happy day.

december 19, 2009 could be an overwhelmingly sad day.

and in many

ways i am sad today. i miss my husband, lover, friend.

but thankfully right now

i’m sitting here reflecting

on a beautiful

love story

given to us

by God.

10 years

of marriage,

full of passion,

joy,

excitement,

adventure,

friendship,

love,

challenge,

perseverance,

grace.

only because

it was

so so good

do

I miss it

so very much.

my tree
is covered in
ornaments
that mark and i
either gifted to
each other
for christmas
or picked
up
on vacation.
so i wanted
to share
some of
these
pleasant
memories
with you,
and
in doing
so
catch some more
christmas
cheer.

so today,
for day one,
it is
the umbrella
with
the christmas
lights.

this one
is from
cape cod,
2007.
the trip to
boston
for mark’s
30th,
and this
was a day
we drove
over to
cape cod.
stopped
in a couple
little
antique shops (where we stumbled upon this ornament!),
went
to our first lighthouse,
stopped at
the park so nolan could play,
and walked on the
beach.

i remember
at the park
watching
mark
from
across
the way,
admiring him,
and
feeling
lucky.

he was
playing
with nolan,
chasing,
being
the fun
dad he is.

here’s a video clip from that trip.

it’s been awhile since i heard his voice.

good
good times.

how about you?
do you have a special ornament memory?

thoughts
of last
year
run
through
my mind
like
fingernails
down
a chalkboard.
the time
of year,
the smells
of christmas,
and i’m
back to
the stress
the worry
of the
hospital.
december
again
and without
mark this
time,
confirms
it.

he is

gone.
yet my
mind races
and i
wish it
would
take its pit
stops
on beautiful memories
like
his silly jokes
or one of
our great dates.

but no,

it
races past
those,
leaving the
hint of
wonderful times,
and stops
on these
days of last year.

this month
is a chore at times,
its not easy
being holly or jolly this year,
and
i look
to
january 9+
for the
light at
the end
of the tunnel,
but then
i realize
that
things
won’t magically
improve, it starts over.

not that
i need
magic.
God is
comforting.
and people
are surrounding…

and a day at a time.

today was
one of
those days
that will
be recorded
in the
books.
well as
far as
my parenting
goes,
nolan will
most likely
remember this
when he’s
in his 20’s
and 30’s
and he’s
listing
all the things
he never
will do when
he’s a parent.

about a month
ago
i mentioned to nolan
that i wanted
a stand mixer
for
Christmas.
he said
he would
rather surprise
me,
so i
bought one
for myself.

the UPS man
brought it out
from his truck
and nolan
saw it coming
up the driveway.

“that’s
what i was
going to
get you”
he ran
to his room,
was in there crying,
and when
i went in
there to
talk with him,
i got a
“this is
the worst
Christmas
ever”.
he had it all planned.

oh man.
i think
he’s better
now,
but
i really
messed
that one
up.

to top it off,  i bribed him with a movie to make up for it.

there
in the
pit
of my
stomach,
is that
aching…

it
began
one year
ago
today.

it
has been
a
long year,
a
journey.
started
with
a phone call,
then
a panicked
drive
to the hospital,
the news
a million
times over,
still
not absorbed
fully.

tonight
it’s as if
someone
has
pressed
rewind
and
now i’m
back there
12.12.08,
standing
in that
hallway,
hearing
and
not hearing
all at once.

it’s almost
like
i can see
myself
as an outsider.
and
i realize
how little
i was doing
and
how much God
was doing for me.
i was
on autopilot
i think.

a year
since
we’ve talked.
how i
miss you.

been so preoccupied with the 12th of december coming up,

i (almost)
forgot
about the
8th
this month.

yet
here it
is…
11 months
without
my love.

recalling our last date, just a year ago,

what
a great
husband
i had,
what a
very lucky,
blessed
girl
i am
and how
much
i wish
he were
here
beside
me on
the couch,
enjoying
this fire together.

nolan had so much fun making this movie.
he
loves
pretend.

at least once a day
he dresses
up like
something.
he pieces
together
clothing
and accessories
to become
a night guard,
Indiana Jones, ranger,
spy,
pilot,
jedi, cowboy,
baseball player.

i love it. (yet not the laundry it creates.)
he
makes lists,
sign in sheets,
and signs
for his bedroom door.

what
imagination.

and part
of this
is
his love
for movie
making.

noah
helps/enables
this love
by
filming
the little
man
in character.

and this time,
the character
was
indiana nolan
and
the temple
of doom.

last night we
hosted the movie premiere and
invited
over some
friends
and fam,
turned
out the lights,
distributed the popcorn,
gathered
around
the big(-ish) screen,
and enjoyed
4 minutes
and 45 seconds
of
7 year old bliss.

enjoy! nolan will be reading the comments

my brother and i with j tillman (i'm sure you see why we call him the caveman)

we were
lucky
enough
to attend our second
j tillman
concert
and
this time
at my
favorite
spot,
the troubadour.

i couldn’t
say enough
how very
much
i loved
this concert.

when he
really
gets into
the song
he
flails
around,
and waves his
arms
wildly
like
a caveman.

check him out for yourself- but neanderthal or not his voice is amazing & i did not want the show to end:

i’m sure
if you have kids
you’ve been through it…
arranged
for a sitter but
something
fell through
last minute.

it happened to
me on monday
afternoon,
just a couple
hours
before
we were
heading to la
to see
moi
perform.

strep throat
invaded
our friend turned sitter’s
home
and i
didn’t want
to risk
nolan
catching it.

well first
i
googled it
to see
just how
contagious
it could be.
sure
enough,
highly
contagious.

so darn.

well
made a few
calls
and was
able
to get some
last minute
sitter coverage…
you wonderful
ones know who you are
(thank you!)

loved
being at the roxy for the show.
moi’s
music is amazing.

december 4,
is that all?
these past
four days
have felt
like a month.

this won’t
translate
easily
because
instead of
thoughts
or words
there are
only tears.
big ones.

the weather
is cold (for southern ca)
and
i just want
to stay in
pj’s
all day,
beneath a
favorite
blanket.
then i
fight
that urge
and try
to go
out,
but
my heart
is not in it.

i dread
these days
this month
next friday
or saturday
or maybe both.
and then
all the days
of remembering
a year ago
in the hospitals,
mark in
that bed,
first looking fine
then not fine.

saying
i miss
him
does
not express
the sentiment.
it feels like
after this
year of
his absence
that now
he
should return.
that
this pain
would end.

i can’t
believe
the opposite,
the actual.
but really
these thoughts
aren’t there…
just
teardrops
falling
like hail.
this is
going
to be
a long month.