life (death)
has caught me off
guard.
i feel needy.
emotional. high maintenance.
when nolan was
around,
he kept me
focused on him
distracted from things.
but now
he’s in school
every day.
so i find myself
crying more
thinking more
remembering more.
the memories of
that month.
the time we spent
in the hospital(s).
the rollercoaster.
the decisions.
the stress.
staring at his face.
squeezing my
hand to his
hoping for a response.
smoothing the hairs
on his forearm
over and over.
the moments
when i could swear
he was in pain.
crawling in bed
with him.
his face
no longer his face
after he died.
that day
i thought that those
images would be forever
engraved
in the forefront of my mind.
they left for a time.
and now it all
is coming back.
it’s fresh.
it’s sharp.
and it’s the
next
plate of grief
to swallow.
September 15, 2009 at 9:04 pm
I can’t imagine.
keep writing, Angie!
praying.
September 15, 2009 at 9:10 pm
I was wondering how it would be now that the house is so much quieter… I can’t imagine what it must feel like to have everything catch up with you, in a sense. Praying for you, A. *hugs*
September 15, 2009 at 9:14 pm
I can’t imagine how you feel… I’m praying for you everyday! <3
September 15, 2009 at 9:22 pm
Hi Angie…we call that peeling back the layers of the onion. Deeper and deeper. Would love to have you join us for this fall GriefShare session. Thursdays at 7 pm.
September 15, 2009 at 9:24 pm
Head noise…that’s what we called it. When all around you is quiet and empty but all you hear is noise. Constant thoughts, hopes, wishes, fears, desires, what ifs…may you find peace in the absence.
September 15, 2009 at 10:25 pm
I am so sorry you have to go through this.We continue to pray daily, Paul even still wears the wristband. We can’t imagine the pain you must be feeling but we are always here. Never hesitate to call and I will do the same. I am open for some gym time in the mornings
want to lose 5lbs before the concert. 
Angie, even in your weakest moments you are amazingly strong. Continue to heal through your writing, your thoughts, your tears; and HIS name you’ll make it through.
September 15, 2009 at 10:33 pm
Praying Angie.
I can’t relate to your actual situation but I have been through some stuff and without the kids to take care of I don’t know how I would have done it. Alone time is hard. It’s a chance to think and reflect but we have to always be gaurding those thoughts. Memories are nice but thinking on the details takes us no nowhere. It will take a long time to train your mind to think on the things that God wants you to think about. There are times that I still start to think about Mark and my feelings during that. I play a video of that over in my head. I’ve learned to press the stop button just knowing that it won’t be edifying for me to replay all of that really hard stuff. No one is wanting you to forget. God will help you to remember the exact details at that time that you need to remember. The rest you can give to him.
Thanks for being so open. I’m so glad that you have continued to do this.
September 15, 2009 at 10:45 pm
I have another friend who lost her husband recently, too and it’s hitting her so hard right now, too. My heart aches so for you both! Lifting up prayers right now!
Job 19:25-27 For I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth: And though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God: Whom I shall see for myself, and mine eyes shall behold, and not another; though my reins be consumed within me.
Prayer Bears
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September 16, 2009 at 6:13 am
it is hard to not go over it ,the details sometimes I find myself in that daydream only to snap out and remember that it is reality and that is a feeling I cannot seem to process. Don’t know if it is meant to be processed. If you ever need to hang out,go to breakfast or anything please call. I will even try the cycle class for you if you want company in there. I love you lots and am so sorry. It just sucks. Love Peggy
September 16, 2009 at 6:18 am
It’s so bitter sweet. You don’t want to forget the details but that is what you long for the most. I love you my friend. H
September 16, 2009 at 7:59 am
Angie I know you love the fall, but I was wondering how the change of the season was going to affect you. Experiencing the season without Mark is painful. All the remembrances seem to hit hard this time of year. Grandpa died a year ago today, but I find myself mostly grieving over Mark. Over the joys this time of year use to bring. This life is not easy without Mark here, no amount of words can describe the pain. I love you Angie and don’t ever forget how much Mark loves you and Nolan. Love, Mom
September 16, 2009 at 9:05 am
I read a blog called “Laced with Grace”. Today’s post is great if you would like to check it out. http://lacedwithgrace.com/guest-devotion/losingbutgaining/ The main passage is “…this is the true grace of God. Stand fast in it.”~ 1 Peter 5:12
I didn’t comment the other day, but Nolan is so cute in his back to school picture. He looks a lot like the pictures you have posted of Mark. What a fresh rememberance of your husband you get to wake up to everyday when you see your son!
September 16, 2009 at 9:26 am
The Lord has been rapidly and repeatedly bringing you to my mind the last couple of days. It’s like He’s not going to let me miss the opportunity to pray for you. So, I’m taking full advantage.
Be needy! You’re allowed. We’ll maintain you the best we can!
Loving you even more today…
September 16, 2009 at 10:46 am
Love You Angie
September 16, 2009 at 12:47 pm
You are amazing and strong….even if you think you are not. Your thoughts did leave for a while….you had to mostly focus on Nolan…now it’s time to focus a little on you and dealing with the next plate. It’s okay to feel needy or “high maintenance”…really!
Still out here praying for ya!
September 16, 2009 at 8:07 pm
UGG!!! I am so sad! This is a sucky reality! I will pray hard as you and this TIME are together! Maybe chugging it down will help in the long run? But I am so sorry you have to do go throught it! Know many of us are praying for you and are here to listen if you need!
erin:)
September 17, 2009 at 10:17 am
i wish i could hug you but miles separate us. i am so sorry- the above poster was right- this sucks!
September 17, 2009 at 11:43 am
So Sorry Angie but at the same time it’s important that you revisit the tragic events. I think it helps your mind sort through the chaos that was happening and has happened to you. I am sure that this will happen to you over and over as time passes, your mind exploring different aspects of what happened. The “what if” will always be hard. When I went through the death of someone very close to me almost two years ago it was this way. Recently and once again I have been reliving the events that led up to tragic event and it really hurts everytime. The one thing I find comfort in is that life doesn’t stop, it won’t stop and what happened is in the past and I can’t do anything about it. I force myself to think that I can’t change things, it’s impossible. That helps me a little, maybe it can help you too.
September 17, 2009 at 9:44 pm
Praying hard right now!
Psalms 116:6-9 The LORD preserveth the simple: I was brought low, and he helped me. Return unto thy rest, O my soul; for the LORD hath dealt bountifully with thee. For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling. I will walk before the LORD in the land of the living.
Prayer Bears
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