my mind has a mind of its own.
I tell it to do one thing, it does another.
I’ve always known myself to be
rather obsessive.
now I feel like I have to chase
my brain down sometimes.
rationally I know
what I
should think,
what I should do,
but then I do the opposite.
the distractions are so welcome
because they help me not to think
of mark.
but it doesn’t take long to remember.
and I want to remember.
I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.
today I cleaned out our closet.
a task I’ve been dreading over the
past months.
but it was a disaster
and couldn’t wait any longer.
before: see the necessity?
Maybe I’ll sew a quilt for Nolan,
maybe even one for myself
of Mark’s favorite clothing.
most of his shirts are well-worn
and incredibly soft.
@ the conference
I promised myself i
would organize the closet
within a few weeks.
glad it’s done. (mostly)
knowing that the clothes
are just going out to the garage
makes it easier.
during: closet barf all over my bed
nothing smelled like mark.
at first I was relieved,
but then a bit frustrated.
I thought maybe my stuffed up
nose was to blame.
but then, I found mark’s deodorant.
wow!
it was so refreshing
and reminded me
of cozying up next to him
at the end of the day.
after: with just a little help from ikea
July 21, 2009 at 5:11 am
The smell of old spice reminds me of my dad and after he died I would do the same thing and smell his deodorant. I love your quilt idea.
July 21, 2009 at 5:29 am
Wow! Your closet looks great. I need to do that, too. Glad you found a scent of him…What a great idea about his shirts for your son! That he can keep forever.
July 21, 2009 at 7:54 am
The quilt idea is such a good idea! You are very creative
.
July 21, 2009 at 8:18 am
Cleaning out the closet and boxing up clothes is actually a very big step that can be quite emotional. This might sound lame, but, Angie, I’m so proud of you for the little (yet huge) steps you are taking through this grieving process. I know you might think that you have a long way to go, but you have come a long way as well. Steps to move forward don’t just happen, you definitely have to be intentional and I see you trying to do that.
Oh, and I think the quilt is a great idea. It would probably be very therapeutic too!
July 21, 2009 at 8:36 am
Making a quilt is a wonderful idea and it isn’t even that difficult to do. I made one years ago from old t-shirts that I had collected. Mine’s not perfect and I think it’s almost better that way, but it’s such a wonderful reminder of memories and I’m sure yours will be a blessing to you and Nolan. If you need any help or advice, feel free to ask. *hugs*
July 21, 2009 at 9:56 am
Oh, I wish I lived there. I love organizing things! H
July 21, 2009 at 11:35 am
I saw a show on TV one time that had a t-shirt quilt in it and I thought that was a fabulous idea!! I told my husband about it (since he has like 9 million t-shirts!) and he thought it was a perfect way to highlight one’s history, memories…whatever you want to call it. Yours would have so much history and memories attached…I think it’s wonderful.
You’re doing great Angie!
Always praying for you!
July 21, 2009 at 1:20 pm
LOVE the idea of a memory quilt for Nolan out of his dad’s shirts…
July 21, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Hey Angie,
I check in on you every day, via the blog, but wanted to drop you a note to let you know how loved and prayed for you are. Every time I read one of your posts I am reminded that often a person in the center of a “life storm” can’t see how much God is using them in it. It warms my heart to see your love for Jesus and every post is evidence of His presence in your life, especially the hard ones, and Gos is using His hand on your life at this time and this place is touching many (including me!)
Love you,
B&T
July 21, 2009 at 6:56 pm
I’m sure it was a difficult thing to do, but it was a BIG step…I cried just reading it!
July 21, 2009 at 9:40 pm
Know that I’m continuing to lift up prayers!
Psalms 27:4-5 One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to enquire in his temple. For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock.
Prayer Bears
My email address
July 22, 2009 at 5:13 pm
This was a huge step. You are a beautiful writer. Your faith in our Creator is inspiring to me.
July 23, 2009 at 6:49 pm
I just wanted to share the idea of the quilt. My husbands grandpa passed away in March and I was so very close to him. I took all his favortie shirts and pj’s to my aunt, who is an awesome seamstress, and the result was a beautiful quilt with all his favorite clothes. She also sewed the picture from his memorial service in the blanket as well. As I type this, it’s sitting here on the top of my couch for all to see and remember him. I love it and it’d be a great thing!!
July 24, 2009 at 3:18 am
I have to tell you this would be the WORST thing for me to do!! I can’t imagine how you realy feel and having to do that well my eyes are filled with tears just thinking about it. Isn’t funny how smells affect us. I am a very smelly kind of person. Not like I smell but I am taken back with scents. Evey time I have gone somewhere I buy a new shampoo or deoderant or bug spray and then never use it again and then that smell in locked in my memory bank as the smell for that trip. I still have the body wash Justin and I used on our honeymoon and I just was diging thru the bag that had it in there and I could smell our trip and it took me back! I hope you have many scents that remind you of Mark. I will keep praying!
July 24, 2009 at 9:09 am
I was just sharing with my mom the other day that I went out and bought a dandruff shampoo and when I was showering I had a huge flashback of memories. It was such a familiar sent. All I wanted was to hug and hold my Grandma. I reminded me of her. I could not stop crying. I also had an idea for your clothes project. I had a friend make a teddy bear out of old shirt. Neat thing was is she added a pocket on front of bear. She said sometimes it is therapeutic to write notes and keep them in the pocket. I know we are not close but I would love to help you with the sewing if you need it. I love to sew and love making things for friends. You both are always in my prayers.