Alright, so how to be real?
This is a delicate balance.
It’s hard because by being open I
may illicit a bunch of comments
and phone calls of encouragement.
But it’s not my goal.
I simply want to be real.
Just not pathetic.
What it is is that
I see how lonely
this road will be.
Army or none
it will be lonely.
Even with a house full
I find that I can feel
just as alone as
on a quiet Friday night.
I still space sometimes.
In the boredom, as I’m
waiting for something,
I catch myself scrolling to
Mark’s name
in my contact list to
call him.
I just want to check in.
Tell him good morning,
good night.
Share with him about
the latest crazy
thing Nolan
has said or the
most recent family
drama. Hear him breathing.
Six months gone by
and his absence grows
more and more
painful.
Only God is going
to carry me through this.
God knew one day
I’d be here.
Actually no. He knew
I would be here today.
He’s been preparing me
for this moment.
Given me the exact
friends,
the precise family.
It’s gotten quieter,
but maybe that is part
of something
God’s trying to do
in me.
So I will rely
on Him.
July 11, 2009 at 6:42 am
“Life goes on”, so they say… Family, friends get back to their normal life. To be reminded once and awhile of the tragedy of Mark’s accident. Their routines return to normal. But sadly for you that routine will never be. And for you to find that place in life that will feel okay is a constant struggle. That will take time! The constant reminders. The habit of being able to call Mark, to talk to him about Nolan or you… To talk about the bills, the house, the yard, the garage, vacation, church, what to do with the dog. People around you move on they avoid the reminiders of Mark not being here. What I use to do is write notes, place them on the grave with flowers it would let me vent some of what I was feeling. When your Pastor said at Mark’s service that you would need support for a long time, I knew that to be true.
July 11, 2009 at 7:01 am
Ang, I totally understand your view on the “wanting to be real but not all the commotion that comes with it.” I struggle posting things on my blog because the second I say something slightly down, there are tons of comments. I guess it is just how some people respond. I love you, and I love your honesty! H
July 11, 2009 at 7:48 am
so tender and sweet…love ya
July 11, 2009 at 9:19 am
That is beautiful! I love you Angie.
July 11, 2009 at 9:20 am
Typo on my last name…
That is beautiful! I love you Angie!
July 11, 2009 at 9:43 pm
No matter how everyone around you tries to help, tries to find the right words, when you get down to it, God IS THE one who will get you through this. He alone truly knows your pain! he alone can offer true help.
Praying in Seattle!
Psalms 59:16-17 But I will sing of thy power; yea, I will sing aloud of thy mercy in the morning: for thou hast been my defence and refuge in the day of my trouble. Unto thee, O my strength, will I sing: for God is my defence, and the God of my mercy.
Prayer Bears
My email address
July 12, 2009 at 4:02 am
Oh, Angie. I’m so sorry. It’s actually a good thing, like you’re being eased back to “normal” when it comes to friends and family keeping in touch. It like they wean themselves off and give you space to fly. You’re doing great! I can’t imagine being where you are in your life, but God knows you have amazing strength and He is using this for His Glory. And, as always, we are praying nightly for you and Nolan, for healing, peace, and strength. And loving you.
I thought about you yesterday in the car, listening to Third Day’s “Cry Out to Jesus”. They seemed to incorporate both of our situations into that song. No doubt, that will forever be OUR song, and know that I’ll be sending up a little prayer for you whenever I hear it (and the fact that the only Christian radio station I have is K-Love, you know I’ll hear it often, LOL!)
Sending you a giant e-hug, sister!
Matthew 5:4 – did you know that we’re “blessed”?
July 12, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Since the day this blog was started I have read every word. I do know your grief, seeing that I knew Mark and know you. It is even hard for the rest of us not seeing Mark there with you. So odd. It seems to me that you were never apart much. I can only count a few times when I went over to John’s house and saw Mark there without you.
It is hard to write sometimes, to know what to say. To wonder if something that might come out from someone will be the thing that totally pushes you over the edge for the day. leaving you in a crying jag. Or maybe saying something that others might find totally insensitive. Like the issue about Sarah’s baby. My biggest fear was not for Sarah or how she would handle it, but how would you deal with it?
When my brother Mike died I used to hang out on Victoria where his car hit the tree (just to drive by there still makes me feel him around). I used to go up to the cemetary and sit there. Have a picnic there with him. Take Meghan to visit her uncle there. Spend Christmas there with him. Now I no longer feel the need to visit as much. I can feel and communicate with him anywhere. His presence is whereever I think about it.
You need to allow yourself to completely grieve and get it out. It will run it’s own course, it’s made specific just for you. You cannot force it. You cannot make it happen.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. You will have to go thru all the steps by yourself. Sometimes you will need to be alone, no matter how much we want to be there for you. Sometimes you will feel like you moved to one step, only to move back to the one before. Sometimes you might skip one and have to deal with that later. But thru it all we will be there for you.
We will hold you close and tell you it will be alright. We will cry with you. We will pray to God to end your suffering and bring you peace. We will do what is expected and what we can. We will love you and hold you dear to us.
Just keep writing. Yell if you like. Tell Mark how you feel. Tell God how you feel. Cry. Do as your mom said and write him notes. Have a special place for Mark in your home where you can talk. Go to where you felt closest to him. But remember, We will be there thru it all with you if you want and need us.
July 12, 2009 at 8:12 pm
I thank you for being real and honest. More people should try it. It is how we grow…. not only in our relationships but spiritually as well. Know you are always being prayed for and always have a friend who is here. Was thinking of something fun to do and came up with camping in the backyard. Pitch a tent, roast marshmellows… the boys would have a blast. Call you soon.
July 12, 2009 at 8:42 pm
Praying right now!
Psalms 62:5-8 My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation: he is my defence; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory: the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God. Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah.
Prayer Bears
My email address
July 13, 2009 at 4:47 pm
The beach with Nolan and his Uncle Matthew today was alot of fun. I love it when he does something that he really enjoys, it puts a smile on my face….
July 13, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Thinking of Mark at the beach and missing him……
July 13, 2009 at 6:12 pm
There is so much wisdom in your words. Keep writing…
July 14, 2009 at 7:46 am
you have made me appreciate my life and love….I take more photos now of random things I love the imperfectness of things more…I love deeper and appreciate my life more due to your loss and blog -
I am sorry for your loss, but feel you are lucky to have felt that depth of love a lot of people do not ever experience and hope you know you and Mark have affected people — you will get through this storm
July 14, 2009 at 4:23 pm
so encouraged. sorry your ministry had to come about the way it did. but so glad your ministry is what it is. hope it made sense. gonna go pray for you guys.
July 16, 2009 at 10:27 pm
Thanks for not only being real but for being open. I often wonder how you feel or what is going through your mind and I am thinking that reading your blog may be preparing me for something tuff and seeing your life and reading about what helps you gives me hope and helps me to really trust God for the uncertain things in life even the VERY difficult. Still praying for you!