Often up late at night. Tonight is no exception.
It’s already almost 4 am and I’m still wide awake.
Just thought I’d check on the blog.
Yep not much has changed since I checked it
an hour ago.
The internet’s pretty quiet during these hours of the
early morning.
Sometimes I’ll run into my east coast friends waking
up bright & early- before I’ve even gone to bed.
So, good morning to you east coasters.
Well, I was just thinking about those of you who read this.
I’m trying to imagine myself in your shoes, which is hard
because not sure who all is reading this.
But I was just thinking if I was reading this blog, if there
would be some topic or question that I’d wonder about.
So if that’s you and you’ve got something for me to talk about,
or at least think about, please share it. I’m interested.
Maybe you’ll give me something to blog about in the wee hours of
the morning on yet another sleepless night.
June 17, 2009 at 5:09 am
I’ve been following your blog for about 6 months now. I am an east coaster, so good morning to you to!!! You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers!!!! May God bless you and Nolan and may your cup overflow!!!!
June 17, 2009 at 5:36 am
Hi- Im Tressa from Texas, I’ve been lurking around your blog since it started, but havent had the courage to say hello! S0- HELLO!!! I think and pray for you everyday!
I admire your faith and boldness, I would love to hear about your testimony!
I know God has GREAT things in store for you and your future! Im grateful to gain glimpses of your beautiful life! Thanks for sharing!
June 17, 2009 at 7:01 am
hey girl. i know how it is to be up late. i will continue to pray for you guys. hope you get back to a “normal” sleep schedule… thats if you want to get back to that. anyhow, im praying for you guys.
June 17, 2009 at 7:07 am
Hi, Angie –
You don’t know me, but I’ve been following the blog since Mark’s story made our local paper up here in Northern California. I have tons of family in your area and just through reading your blog and following your story I felt like I know you already… Strange how that works… I’ve cried with you, prayed for you, and just been along for the ride. I just want to tell you how much I admire your strength, your faith, and your parenting. You are a great person and you’re doing a great job… Keep it up and take it slowly.
Amy
June 17, 2009 at 7:22 am
Angie
I check and read your blog daily. I started like Amy above when Mark’s story became public. I would just like to take this moment to tell you that you are an inspiration of hope and strength to me. The love that the two of you shared was obvious and beautiful. I pray for you and Nolan all the time I talk about you to my husband and kids. Please know that you are not alone. I have never commented because we do not know each other. I took your latest blog as an invitation. God Bless you and Nolan and may he continue to give you the strength you need.
Lupita
June 17, 2009 at 7:53 am
I also have been reading from the begining. My heart go out to you I can not imagine ! I was just wondering did your husband buy a bike or was he just riding someones. If not what did you do with that bike?????
June 17, 2009 at 8:35 am
Ive been reading your blog for quite some time, just never commented, I wish I had of known you were going to be in Seattle I would have loved to meet you. Im glad the weather was good for you.
June 17, 2009 at 8:47 am
I also have not commented, since you don’t know me. I’ve followed you since the Whittaker’s asked us to pray for you. I think I keep coming back because I want so badly for you to feel better. I also think of you alot and say little prayers for you every time you cross my mind. I have a 9 year old son, so I love to hear about Nolan.
I guess my only question would be if you still plan on adopting a second child, or if you even know the answer to that yet.
June 17, 2009 at 9:45 am
Angie,
I’ve commented a few times. I’ve followed your blog since day 1. I feel badly sometimes for continually following your blog, because I feel like it is an invasion to your privacy, but I often wonder how you and Nolan are doing. You both are in my prayers every day. I pray that you have time to mourn, which has to be difficult being a parent. But that you also have time for happiness, which luckily, being a parent can bring you a lot of happiness.
I just want you to know that there are so many people like me, that you’ve never met, that are praying for you! I went to Arlington with Mark and in the little I knew about him, I knew he was an amazing man!
June 17, 2009 at 10:54 am
Angie,
I read your blog everyday, because I don’t often get to see you guys anymore, but you are always in my prayers. It has been very hard for me to see you lose Mark. For us all to lose him too. Mark was a wonderful, loving and good man. God could not have made a man any better than him.
I do know what it is like to be up those hours every night. There isn’t a night that I am not up at those hours. It is the only time I have alone to myself to unwind, pray, and to work thru the depression and torture I feel to watch my mom slip into someone I don’t know. Let me tell you, it’s much harder watching someone die a slow and painful death. It brings out the unimaginable in them and the worst you have to go thru. There are so many moments that she is not herself anymore than there are lucid ones where she even knows it’s me that’s there.
If you would like to get out of the house with Nolan and bring him up to my house to head to the pool, just give me a call. You can get my number from Sarah, your mom or John if you don’t have it. You haven’t been to my home since I moved in, and I really like having company. There is really a lot to do around here, and we can have lunch or maybe even BBQ.
June 17, 2009 at 11:10 am
I comment sometimes & think “Does she think I’m invading her blog?” But I also learned about you from Heather (just started reading her blog not too long before your husband had his accident). I just want you to know that as selfish as it sounds, you make me want to be the best wife I can possibly be. You have made me stop & think to pick my battles, life is short…should I really complain about things.
I love seeing your pictures & reading about the neat experiences you are giving your son.
June 17, 2009 at 11:25 am
Hi –
I have been reading your blog for about 4 months now and I have to admit, I check it EVERY SINGLE day! I know that you and I don’t know one another, but I think you are incredibly inspiring, honest and real.
You are clearly a fabulous mother. Your strength and wisdom are an amazing example to your son. I do have questions I’ve always wanted to ask, but I truly do not want to step on your toes….if they are too invasive, PLEASE just ignore them, and please forgive me for asking… I guess I have death and the death of a loved one as my greatest fears…maybe everyone does. I guess I just feel like it’s such an “unknown” and I wondered how do you deal with it? Have you read any books that have been particularly helpful? Also, as you were going through this and have continued to go through this….I’m sure many well-intentioned people have said and done things that may or may not have been helpful to you, in thinking of it all what have been the most meaningful, helpful things that have been done or said. And/or what do you wish people would have done more of, etc… ?
And finally, (sorry, bet you didn’t think you’d get a million questions in one comment!…) in losing a loved one, does it make you fear death less because you know that you will be reunited with your husband in heaven?
Thanks for taking the time to read this, I hope it is not insensitive in any way – that was not my intention whatsoever…
June 17, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Hi Angie & Nolan,
I continue to read since Heather (WW) asked for prayer. You, I know both continue to inspire others through this time in your lives. I appreciate your continuing to write so that I may continue to pray for you and Nolan. I am so glad to see that you and Nolan are taking some trips together and building special memories together!
I still can not fathom how much you miss Mark; I truly can’t. I just continue to pray that you will continue to be surrounded by family and friends that love on both of you.
Blessings to you~
June 17, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Angie…it’s sometimes hard to know what to say. I have known you many years, but they’ve been like bookends to such an important part of your life. We were college roommates before your marriage to Mark, and we were able to reconnect through Facebook after you lost Mark. It makes me sad that I was never able to see your married relationship with him…but from what I’ve read in your blog and from what I remember about your engagement, it is abundantly clear that you had so much love for each other. It seems so unfair that you would lose Mark so young, and though I’m sure it doesn’t help much when you miss him now, at least you can be certain you will see him again in heaven. I love that you have written this blog as I’m sure it helps you to get your thoughts and feelings out, and it helps all of us who read it to know more specifically how to pray for you or when to reach out a helping hand. I know we aren’t very close, but I hope that you know how much my heart hurts for you, how much I pray for you, and that I am here if you ever need me for anything. I’m glad that you have so many wonderful friends and family who support you with love, faith, and encouragement. My thoughts and prayers are with you Angie! *hugs*
June 17, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Hi Angie, I have been following your blog since I came across your story on a friends blog requesting prayer for your family. I have also hesitated to comment on here since we do not know one another. I did recently see you and your son at Chick Fil A in the Dos Lagos area. My mommies group was there for a lunch play date and I immediately recognized you and your son. I thought about saying hello and introducing myself but thought that might be creepy. I wanted to tell you that I have been praying and interceding for you and your family. Your story touched my heart and I think you are an incredible woman of God.
June 17, 2009 at 1:51 pm
I don’t know you personally but started reading your blog when a friend of mine had a prayer request on his Facebook for your family. My family & I prayed for your husband and you & your son. After reading your post that your husband passed away I thought that would be the end of my reading. But, something kept me coming back. It is amazing to watch your strength even though I’m sure you feel so weak. You have been there for your son when some people would of just slipped into a deep depression and locked themselves in their room for a year. You didn’t. You were so strong for your son and I admire that so much. My family has been having a very hard time financially lately. We have lost a vehicle, trying to keep the lights on & are in the process of maybe losing our home. I read your blog and it gives me strength to know I must go on and be there for my 5 year old daughter and my husband. I think to myself what do I have to complain about when I have my family. My husband is a no fear type person and loves motorcycles. It scares me to death. He doesn’t ride all that often but a few times a year. I think what if I lost him? We have been together for 15 years. I would lose my best friend. How would I be able to go on, for myself and for my daughter? I know your husband is up there watching you & your son and so proud of you. Not really sure this is making sense but just wanted to Thank You. And to let you know that we never know why God does the things he does when it doesn’t seem right. But, I can only imagine how many people you have helped sharing your story.
June 17, 2009 at 3:14 pm
I agree with a lot of these posts. You are strong (even if you feel weak) and a great Mom. Your strength in God pours through your words as you type and into each one of us that reads your blog. Many of us do not know you personally…but maybe thru someone else…or thru the internet…but you touch each one of us somehow. I have learned from you to take pictures of the very simple things in life (holding hands for example) and treasure them. I am a photographer (always wanted to be one when I grew up…but ended up an accountant…how does that work?) AND a scrapbooker…telling the story of my husband and I. I feel these things are important and will be treasured for generations to come.
I wish you peace….at all hours….not just the wee ones.
June 17, 2009 at 4:36 pm
Angie,
I don’t have any questions but just maybe some encouragement somewhere down the line. I personally don’t see much good at all out of this situation. I hate it all. But the one thing I do know is that you and Nolan and Mark are touching people’s lives. You will forever be able to relate to women who are widowed at a very sensitive and deep level. I find myself telling all the people I have met about Mark and what kind of man he was. I am privilaged to call him my brother. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss him so badly. And not a day goes by that I don’t feel such deep sorrow for you and Nolan. So, my point is that God will use what you have gone through to relate to others who need help in a time of great need. Just yesterday I heard of am local man, healthy and happy, had a heart attack and passed away at 42. He too left behind a loving wife and 2 children. These are the ones that I speak of. Your story is one of strength, a deep commitment, and a strong faith. These things I know you will use to show other’s God’s love.
June 17, 2009 at 4:42 pm
Angie,
I, too, found the blog while visiting a friend’s site, just after Mark’s accident. I’m so far away from you at home here in Texas, but I’m hugging you and your precious little boy right now, as I have many times before in my heart. You willingness to open your heart and share your days (and really early mornings!) with us is a powerful testimony. You are a living symbol of God’s unending grace and love for us. Thank you for sharing your life’s journey and memories of your wonderful husband.
Sandy
June 17, 2009 at 5:17 pm
I’ve also been reading your blog faithfully since I heard of your story and have prayed for you so much. I feel like I know you and Nolan with how much you have stayed close to my heart. I appreciate how you have allowed anyone reading to share in your journey. Your story has inspired me to not let little things get me angry with my husband because you have reminded me of how much I need to appreciate every day with him. Thank you for that. You have been an inspiration to so many people!
I pray for you faithfully, and promise to continue to!
June 17, 2009 at 9:05 pm
i’m glad you continued YOUR story, after this blog was initially sharing marks story.
i don’t have any pressing questions at the moment, but i’d love to grab some coffee or go for a walk or something when i move back to cali. i’d love to meet you & hopefully get to know you for reals
jah bless.
June 17, 2009 at 9:20 pm
Hope you can start getting more sleep soon!
Know that I’m continuing to pray here in Seattle!
His oath, His covenant, and blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When every earthly prop gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
The Lutheran Hymnal #370, verse 3
Prayer Bears
My email address
June 18, 2009 at 3:47 am
Angie, I just can’t think of any questions for you. But I continue to be inspired by you. This journey of yours has a way of putting mine into perspective. Grief is grief, and we’re sisters in it. The same as we’re sisters in Christ. I love the way you’re not afraid to be transparent on your blog. I love the way you never seemed to fall apart after Mark went Home. I love the way you and Nolan appear to be working through this as a team.
We just keep praying for you, sister. I hope you’re feeling some peace. And, if you need to let out some cleansing tears, can I recommend listening to “Cry on My Shoulder” by Overflow? It’s been one of those songs that hass gotten me through many tough times.
Love you guys!
June 18, 2009 at 5:46 am
Hey Angie,
I read about this blog from Carlos and Heather’s blogs in December, but I admit that I did not start checking it more constantly until January. My husband’s 35 yr old brother died after being in a car accident on Jan. 2nd, and his funeral was on January 8th – my husband’s birthday, and also the day that I read on Carlos’ blog that Mark too had gone.
The person who I’ve thought of most since Chris’ accident was his wife, and that has also kept me checking your blog constantly, knowing I can’t imagine what it’s like but wanting to understand it at the same time. I’m grateful to be able to read more about you on here as you share your various posts.
I’d love to know the story of how you and Mark met and got together, though if it’s too much to ask, you can disregard it. I enjoy learning more about you as well, and I second the request above to hear your testimony – perhaps something to write late one night.
I hope today is one where you are uplifted.
June 18, 2009 at 7:45 am
Angie,
I, too, have read your blog daily since the beginning. There were days when Mark was in the hospital that I would sit in front of my computer at work, struggling to be productive, just hitting “refresh” as I prayed and waited for news about his latest surgery or simply how he was doing. I was (and am) so thankful for this blog. It gives those of us who don’t talk to you on a consistent basis a glimpse into how you are feeling, and where you are in the long, long journey toward healing. THANK YOU for being so open – for sharing honestly, and for putting yourself out there. You truly are an encouragement and inspiration.
Sometimes it’s hard to know how to best support you, especially since we were just getting to know each other when your life was turned upside down. I often think back to the CIV baseball tournament when we sat and chatted and watched Nolan run around with his HUGE backpack and shared strawberries and wish that we had called you to hang out. I wish we had had the time to take Mark up on his invitation to come over and decorate Christmas cookies. I thought – and I’m sure many of us did – that I had all the time in the world. That’s one thing that you and Mark have taught me – never to take time, or those I love, for granted.
I battle feeling like I am imposing or that you have plenty of people in your life to support and encourage you. But God keeps bringing you to mind; there are places I go that bring you and Nolie and Mark to mind every time. Driving on the 215, headed to Winco, and then there in the parking lot – which is where I was when I found out about the accident… driving by the street that goes to your house, glimpsing Mt. Rubidoux from the freeway. I am thankful for all of these landmarks, though – it reminds me to pray for you.
I really do admire you, Angie, and hope that we can get together soon for coffee or just to chat. I’d love to see how your garden is progressing! There’s something about being outside, working in the dirt, that I love. Now that I’ll be in nursery less often, maybe I’ll actually even get to see you at church! Regardless of if or when we get to spend time together, I just wanted you to know that even if the cards and comments have slowed down, there are still many of us here, reading and praying, asking God for wisdom in how to be a blessing to you. You are loved. ♥
June 18, 2009 at 12:33 pm
I was wondering…how did school end up going for Nolan? I think last time you mentioned it your friend was homeschooling him? How did that go? You were also not sure about you going back to work. Have you gotten any clarity there? Gives me a better idea of how to pray for you. Do you have any specific prayer requests?
June 18, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Angie, I have read your blog from the beginning. I have cried with you, prayed with you and hoped for miracles with you. I only wish I could share your pain with you. You have a beautiful son and your husband seems beautiful as well. There is only one thing that I have been wondering…are you still planning to adopt the baby girl? I thought that you were close to adopting and I am just wondering if you will be going through with it now or in the future. You seem like a wonderful mother and any child would be blessed to have you for a mother and Nolan for a brother. Much love and blessings.
June 18, 2009 at 7:47 pm
I can’t really think of a question, but wanted you to know that i have been reading the blog since day 1. You are such an inspiration. I only hope that I would be as strong as you if I were in the same situation. I enjoy reading your blog and hearing about your struggles and joys.
Praying for you and Nolan!!
P.S. one small question: have you read The Shack??
June 19, 2009 at 12:20 am
Just wanted to let you know that I check your blog pretty much every day. We are always thinking of you and Nolie and pray for you daily. Always want to know how you are doing. Good days and bad. I love that you document in words and in photos the memories you shared with Mark and the new ones you are creating with Nolan. I am thankful for you, and your friendship and hope we can become closer friends. You continue to be a light in my life, challenging me to grow in my spiritual life, as a wife and mother. Thank you. Hopefully we’ll see you guys at the scavenger hunt. Let the games begin! hee hee.
June 19, 2009 at 8:44 pm
HI Angie! I love reading your blog. You have made me smile, laugh, and cry. I love how real you are here. Now that we are back down in socal, we’d love to see you guys sometime!!!
June 20, 2009 at 11:29 pm
Hello again from the Philippines. Well first off I am 15 hours ahead of you so know that even when you think no one is up, that I am and I am continualy praying for you! I feel like so many of your “fallowers” like I am invading your private thoughts but they speak of God’s grace and the hope you can only find in him. I am encouraged by your words and your life. I am greatful to God as I see you making it day by day. Some days are harder than others I know but you are always speaking of life, pain, laughter and joys. I am amazed by God’s ability to sustain you and your son. Your life is a testimony of God’s power and love. Thank you for shareing. I have told at least a hundred friends about you and your blog and I am always getting notes saying thanks for showing me that blog, they are also ecouraged. We as believers are told to sharpen each other and you are doing just that. Living and sharing you help us to see the world in a diferant perspective. We get to partake in God’s amazing power!
One Question. Do you read evey comment? If yes I am impressed! I hope they help and if not Praise God there is some one else liike me who gets worn out looking at the computer screen!
June 21, 2009 at 2:45 am
Justin and Erin,
Thanks for your encouragement. Yes I check the blog several times a day and read every comment. I probably check it a lot more than necessary.
-Angie
June 21, 2009 at 2:51 am
Sarah- Thanks. I haven’t read The Shack yet, but it is one of many books that I intend to. I hear that it’s a great book and I’m looking forward to reading it sometime.
-Angie
June 21, 2009 at 2:51 am
thanks for the note! I am supper impressed! that makes me feel really good knowing that you are getting something out of this blog too! It’s 4AM there I am going to pray for you right now! God Bless
June 21, 2009 at 2:57 am
Kim,
I will probably blog one day about the adoption. For now, the answer is I don’t know. We were very close to adopting, just waiting for a call telling us they had a little girl for us. Because we were expecting the call we decided not to go away for our anniversary in December thinking placement would be by the end of the year. Adopting is a decision to be made a bit later down the road for me. Nolan is eagerly awaiting the answer to that one. He hopes for a sibling.
Angie
June 21, 2009 at 3:08 am
Michelle,
School has been a challenge this year. Homeschooling is not easy! I’m not cut out for it. Especially right now it’s hard for me to focus let alone get Nolan to. So that being said the decision to homeschool was a great one. My friend Chelsea was a tremendous help and her boys and Nolan have really hit it off. I couldn’t have asked for anything better than the time Nolan and I have had together. I think it’s made a huge difference for him emotionally. He’s just not anxious like he was. And I just feel like I know him so much better because I can see him throughout the day.
But next school year I am planning to enroll him in traditional school. At that point I may return to school or get a part time job. Just what will keep me occupied while Nolan is in school. I had returned to work. It was actually easier on me than it was on Nolan at the time. Then I took some time off but decided that I would need to be off with him through the summer. My employer couldn’t give me that much of a leave, so I resigned. It was a good job and not an easy decision. Of course now that it’s just me financially it was a scary decision, but it has worked out well.
Specific prayer requests: Self control- I feel like I am not thinking of or doing the things that I intend to. Patience- With Nolan while we wrap up the school year. Wisdom- To know which way is up and which is down.
Thank you! Angie
June 21, 2009 at 3:13 am
Kir,
I will blog how Mark and I met (there’s a bit of it under “A Wonderful Love”) and got together this week. That will be a fun, maybe difficult, one.
Thanks, Angie
June 21, 2009 at 3:36 am
Jessica, Thanks for your comments and for reading the blog so much. Tough questions but I am glad to try to answer them.
1) Death of a loved one as one of your greatest fears- how do you deal with it? Well, so far I don’t know. Maybe in time I will look back and say I did this or that. For me as petty as it sounds I’ve stayed really busy. I don’t want to slow down, definitely not stop. When I do reality hits pretty hard. That’s what I’m doing. But the rest must be God. I am weak. Worn out. But I’m able to go. I have family around and friends. Nolan is such an incredible comfort even though it really should be the other way around. To deal with the realization of Mark no longer being in the world though is a weight that I’m not even beginning to carry. It’s like I’m dealing with the loss of his roles in my life in so many ways. And kind of like I’m dealing with those things. You know like he’s not here to hang out with, talk with, he’s not mowing the lawn, we aren’t having dinner together, he’s not the warm body next to me in bed. I’m dealing with those roles. But not yet to the point where I’m dealing with the absence of Mark. Don’t know if that makes sense. I’m not making it sound easy I know. I don’t want to cause you to fear more. But there’s no way around the harsh reality of it. What I do have though is that hope that I know where he is, and that’s where I’ll be at one day. (Wow, a very long winded answer. Sorry)
2) Have you read any books that have been particularly helpful? Yes I have read several grief books which have helped but it’s all a blur right now. Most recently I read Greg Laurie’s book that he wrote after losing his son. Most helpful for me though was the book of Job in the Bible. Really gives perspective.
3) What types of help/comments have been most meaningful? Wow this is a hard one because people helped in SO many ways. I really don’t want to minimize anything. This will be a post this week.
4) Does losing Mark make me fear death less? Yes in a way. It’s like my grip on this world is lessened. But I have a little guy that depends on me so in that way no. But I am afraid of what our relationship will be and how it will change in heaven if that makes any sense. Strange to think that the marriage relationship is no longer the same.
I appreciate your questions.
Thanks, Angie
June 21, 2009 at 3:38 am
Hi Nancy, I appreciate you reading the blog. You are welcome here and are definitely NOT invading. Angie
June 21, 2009 at 3:40 am
Cindi,
The answer is I don’t know if I’m going to move forward with the adoption. Nolan is hoping so. And so am I. But it’s a difficult decision and I’m going to need some time still before I can decide. I’ll post on it one day when I have more clarity on that one.
Thanks, Angie
June 21, 2009 at 3:42 am
Nikki, Mark did not own a dirt bike. He was at an event where you can test ride the 2009 dirt bikes for a couple hours.
Angie
June 30, 2009 at 2:07 am
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