these
months
have been long.
looking back
to a year
ago,
just after
mark
died,
reading
these words,
being
reminded
of the newness,
the rawness of
taking moment by moment,
the uncertainty,
fear,
but…the steadiness
of an
underlying hope…
Moment by Moment
By angielamberth
Moment by Moment
By angielamberth
It’s completely different to mourn with Mark than it is to mourn without him. Truly I am empty right now. I really have no strength of my own, and I believe that whatever people are seeing is God getting me through this. I miss Mark on a level I can’t express and don’t fully understand. It’s missing another person and a part of myself. My purpose is mixed up. Our plans no longer exist.
Such a tremendous sadness. In the morning I wake to it. It’s a reality that is so difficult to even let my mind think of. Every morning when it sinks in just a bit I can’t help but throw up. Nolan gets the same way when he’s overwhelmed. He even threw up when I took him to school this morning.
But what I thank God for is that it’s not like that all day. I think it would be without hope. In the morning, as soon as I start to awake it’s like I’m slapped in the face with reality. Mark is gone. It wasn’t just a nightmare. He’s really gone and he’s never coming back. But moment by moment God takes me through the day. And I don’t stay so sad. Life doesn’t stay so dismal. God truly gives me hope. I am hoping that He will redefine my purpose. Give me direction and set His plans before me. I am encouraged throughout the day through God’s promises. Knowing where Mark is. Thanking God for the amazing love that we were able to share and the time that He gave us. That helps so much…to look at all the blessings that God has given us. Especially for our little guy.
I am thankful for you all. Your comments and prayers encourage me throughout the day.
…and i
continue
experiencing
all those feelings at times,
and
fall
upon
that same hope.
something
i love
is having
friends over.
so it
has been
such
a treat
to host
our
church community
group
at my house
one night
a week since september.
about 24 of
us (counting the 8 kids)
get together
to be
challenged
in our
perspectives
on life.
this time
we
changed
it up.
the kids
picnicked
in the living
room
and
watched
a bugs life,
while the
grown ups
gathered
round
the camp fire
out back
and
roasted
s’mores.
my
crazy family
is amazing.
get us
together
to sing (using that word loosely)
happy
birthday,
and you’ll
hear it
begin
three
separate times,
probably
not a note
on key
or on pitch
(whichever
way that goes), just
reckless noise
with
the guest
of honor’s
name
interjected-
this time
that name
belonged to
my baby-baby
brother
matthew.
now 16.
and
yes
because
it’s
how i do
i bought
the boy
a bible.
took a picture
of him
cracking it
open…
hope that
happens
again.
and while
we were
all
together
and
the camera
was out,
as it usually
is, snapped
some pics of my sis
and nephew with his finger in his mouth.
i wonder where he gets it from.
has
many faces.
sometimes
i can look
at it
straight in the eyes. but
not always,
and usually
not for
very long.
it’s like
the staring
contests
that nolan
likes
to have
and frequently
wins.
my gaze shifts.
my eyes burn.
i have to blink.
gradually
i am facing
reality more
and more.
acceptance
makes
me feel alone.
but
i am not
lonely.
God’s
been
teaching me
to rely
on Him
for so much of the love
that mark
brought to
my life.
when i
met mark,
i hadn’t
really been
following
Jesus for
long-
about three months-
and when we
started dating-
about seven months.
and in these
past
almost thirteen
months
without my
wonderful husband,
i’ve found
that
the love
of God is so
much more
than enough.
lately
i feel full
of myself.
and with
this
knowledge
that i
really think
way too
highly and frequently
of myself,
i am seeing
that this
full-of-myselfness
equates
to full of sin.
and
so
lately
i’ve been
uninspired
and unmotivated
to sit, type,
or think
any more
about myself
than
i’ve discovered
i already do.
…
are awkward.
meeting
people
for the first
time,
just nolan
and i.
i think
when i meet
them,
that they
will either a.
assume
that
i am
divorced b.
assume
that i
never
was
married
or c.
ask me
about
my husband
which
would
require
a very
uncomfortable,
brief,
and shallow
statement
that he died
last year…
as nonchalantly plain
as possible
so
i don’t make
them
feel bad
for asking.
seems more
since i
removed
mark’s wedding
band
from
my left hand.
taking
that ring
off
has
affected
me
more
than i realized
it would.
it signifies
to me
a form
of accepting
this new,
uneasy
reality.
in time, i hope to
develop
a
canned
response
for those
awkward
c.
moments.
after a
month-long
break
from concerts
we headed
back
to la
for the first
concert
of 2010.
this time
a new venue-
the bootleg
theatre and seeing
a band
we had
seen
once before,
the parson
redheads,
along
with
a couple new ones.
after we found
bootleg
we headed
to track
down
the kogi
korean bbq
truck.
the food was great,
and
it
was a
fun
adventure.
of course
the ten minute
distance
shown on
google maps
turned
out to be
at least 30.
but that
ended up
working out,
because
we got
back way
before
the first band
even came on.
bootleg
reminded me
of the troubadour,
seemed a bit smaller,
and the walls
were
made of
what looked
like
fresh
plywood- newly remodeled?
don’t be deceived by the street name-
beverly- it was not
in the best area of la.
the first
band, go west young man,
was really
great.
by
the time
the concert
was almost
over,
we were all getting
pretty tired.
but not too tired
to meet up
and hang out
for a bit after
the show.
i’m so glad
to be
back
at it again…
hope to hit up all the great local concert venues by august!
i love you.
a million times i might tell you,
write it
in steam on the shower door, whisper it
at your grave,
pray for God to tell you,
and still it’s not enough.
but i love
…you.
the goofy mark.
the you that forgets names,
and that passes gas first thing
every
morning.
the amazingly loving
but sometimes thoughtless you.
the you that buys me bad (and good) gifts, that makes me mad,
that plays too rough with nolan,
and can be too strict on him.
the you that takes me on hot dates,
that holds my hand, inspects my teeth,
opens my door, that cuddles me on the couch.
the you that
really
knows me,
that loves me anyway,
that rates my outfit
on a scale of
1 to 10.
i miss our car rides,
the conversations,
and the kissing.
i miss hearing about bones,
surgeries,
and tests.
i love your scruffy cheeks
that leave my face all
uncomfortable and red.
i miss you driving while looking at all
the scenery
and
almost none
of the road.
i want to yell at you, start a fight,
and then make up with you.
i miss your keys at the door, your bear hugs,
and that smile.
i miss you with nolan,
seeing you play together,
hearing you laugh together.
i hate that your cards to me
are so much better than mine
to you.
i miss trying to be
as close as possible to you.
you
made
me
the
happiest
and luckiest
wife,
and nolan
the
happiest
and
luckiest
son.
you are so very loved. and missed.
i have
always
meant
to go
to la brea
tar pits
and see
the dinosaur
fossils.
well,
at last we went
to the pits,
and found
out
there aren’t
dinosaurs
there at all-
they were dead
long before
the tar pits
arrived
on the surface. oh.
the fossils are
of ice age animals. sorry kids.
still fascinating,
particularly that
there are large pools
of tar
in the middle
of the city.
of course,
there was
the (very) last minute
shopping,
the hopping
from house
to house
visiting with
friends and family.
it was a beautiful day.
it ended late
with chaotic
gift unwrapping
and we all
dispersed
to our own homes.
came home,
just my boy and me.
tucked him in,
and began cleaning,
and then set out his gifts.
once i
finished,
i looked around.
there our
three stockings
were hung by the chimney,
a cupcake
and glass of milk
that i would need
to take care of,
and overwhelmingly, suddenly,
i felt it.
alone.
truly the
end of the
day comes,
and here am i, myself,
to reflect
on parenting,
housecleaning (or lack thereof),
finances,
church,
friendships,
and on this night
christmas.
just the other day
nolan told
my niece that
she
has her parents
and he has
his parent. no s.
parent.
ouch.
and so
on christmas eve
i was
a parent. singular.
christmas eve
everything set
out,
work is done,
and i cried.
not really because
i
am a single
parent.
(even though
that would be
a good reason
to cry sometimes.)
but because
mark and i
always
hoped
to do this together.
something
was
indeed
very wrong.
he was gone.
and in his
absence
i was reminded
of christmas
in its truest meaning.
i love surprises.
my church
surprise-bombed my doorstep
with a gift every day
for 12 days leading up to
christmas.
each one
anonymous.
each one
appeared
out of
nowhere.
so great.
and i can’t believe i am forgetting
day 7…sorry! i think it’s because
that was our anniversary,
and there
were several packages
left on my doorstep that
day.
thanks friends.
here are the 12:
day 1. caramel corn.
day 2. two dove chocolates.
day 3. three homemade headbands.
day 4. four holiday cookie cutters.
day 5. five silly things.
day 6. six coke glasses, cokes, grenadine, cherries, straws & umbrellas.
day 7. (i am completely blanking- sorry day 7! remind me please?)
day 8. blockbuster gift card and popcorn.
day 9. nine pieces of peppermint bark.
day 10. ten dollars for cold stone.
day 11. eleven thoughts of love book.
day 12. twelve pieces of see’s candy.
one of mark’s amazing friends,
an orthopedic surgeon he worked with and respected immensely, dr. wilkens,
had a huge
surprise for
nolan this year.
he and his family
wanted to give
nolan everything on his christmas list.
and
he didn’t want to deliver them
the usual way,
but by air,
inspired by a book of his son’s “I Wish Santa Would Come By Helicopter”.
so
a couple days before christmas,
he rented a helicopter
and offered
to take us up in it.
gulp.
the thought
of riding
in a helicopter terrifies me.
but, i knew
nolan would be
thrilled.
so after a
“just how dangerous
are helicopters” poll,
we went for it.
nolan was surprised
that dr. w
came in a helicopter,
and even more surprised
when he was asked
if he wanted to go for a ride.
we flew
over riverside around mt. rubidoux where my family had hiked to
the top
to wave at us in the air. (they are the specks at the bottom right of this picture)
we absolutely loved it.
my tree
is covered in
ornaments
that mark and i
either gifted to
each other
for christmas
or picked
up
on vacation.
so i wanted
to share
some of
these
pleasant
memories
with you,
and
in doing
so
catch some more
christmas
cheer.
so today,
for day one,
it is
the umbrella
with
the christmas
lights.
this one
is from
cape cod,
2007.
the trip to
boston
for mark’s
30th,
and this
was a day
we drove
over to
cape cod.
stopped
in a couple
little
antique shops (where we stumbled upon this ornament!),
went
to our first lighthouse,
stopped at
the park so nolan could play,
and walked on the
beach.
i remember
at the park
watching
mark
from
across
the way,
admiring him,
and
feeling
lucky.
he was
playing
with nolan,
chasing,
being
the fun
dad he is.
here’s a video clip from that trip.
it’s been awhile since i heard his voice.
good
good times.
how about you?
do you have a special ornament memory?
thoughts
of last
year
run
through
my mind
like
fingernails down
a chalkboard.
the time
of year,
the smells
of christmas,
and i’m
back to
the stress
the worry
of the
hospital.
december
again
and without
mark this
time,
confirms
it.
he is
gone.
yet my
mind races
and i
wish it
would
take its pit
stops
on beautiful memories
like
his silly jokes
or one of
our great dates.
but no,
it
races past
those,
leaving the
hint of
wonderful times,
and stops
on these days of last year.
this month is a chore at times,
its not easy
being holly or jolly this year,
and
i look
to
january 9+ for the
light at
the end
of the tunnel,
but then
i realize
that
things
won’t magically
improve, it starts over.
not that
i need
magic.
God is
comforting.
and people
are surrounding…
today was
one of
those days
that will
be recorded
in the
books.
well as
far as
my parenting
goes,
nolan will
most likely
remember this
when he’s
in his 20’s
and 30’s
and he’s
listing
all the things
he never
will do when
he’s a parent.
about a month
ago
i mentioned to nolan
that i wanted
a stand mixer
for
Christmas.
he said
he would
rather surprise
me,
so i
bought one
for myself.
the UPS man
brought it out
from his truck
and nolan
saw it coming
up the driveway.
“that’s
what i was
going to
get you”
he ran
to his room,
was in there crying,
and when
i went in
there to
talk with him,
i got a
“this is
the worst
Christmas
ever”.
he had it all planned.
oh man.
i think
he’s better
now,
but
i really
messed
that one
up.
to top it off, i bribed him with a movie to make up for it.
it
has been
a
long year,
a
journey.
started
with
a phone call,
then
a panicked
drive
to the hospital,
the news
a million
times over,
still
not absorbed
fully.
tonight
it’s as if
someone
has
pressed
rewind
and
now i’m
back there
12.12.08,
standing
in that
hallway,
hearing
and
not hearing
all at once.
it’s almost
like
i can see
myself
as an outsider.
and
i realize
how little
i was doing
and
how much God
was doing for me.
i was
on autopilot
i think.
nolan had so much fun making this movie.
he
loves
pretend.
at least once a day
he dresses
up like something.
he pieces
together
clothing
and accessories
to become
a night guard,
Indiana Jones, ranger,
spy,
pilot,
jedi, cowboy,
baseball player.
i love it. (yet not the laundry it creates.)
he
makes lists,
sign in sheets,
and signs
for his bedroom door.
december 4, is that all?
these past
four days
have felt like a month.
this won’t
translate
easily
because
instead of
thoughts
or words
there are only tears.
big ones.
the weather
is cold (for southern ca)
and
i just want
to stay in
pj’s
all day,
beneath a
favorite
blanket.
then i
fight
that urge
and try
to go
out,
but
my heart
is not in it.
i dread
these days
this month
next friday
or saturday
or maybe both.
and then
all the days
of remembering
a year ago
in the hospitals,
mark in
that bed,
first looking fine
then not fine.
saying i miss
him
does
not express
the sentiment.
it feels like
after this
year of
his absence
that now
he
should return.
that
this pain would end.
i can’t
believe
the opposite,
the actual.
but really
these thoughts aren’t there…
just
teardrops
falling
like hail.
this is
going
to be
a long month.
well i’m finally caught up on this here blog. busy lately! so i can now just share what i’m thinking tonight:
some random thoughts. aren’t all my thoughts random lately?
i feel rather confused and overwhelmed in the day to day.
mustering the strength to get errands done,
tasks completed,
all that non-fun stuff is challenging.
i prefer to be busy,
playing, joking,
laughing,
filling my head with music,
bible study,
church, conversation,
books. not thinking about
cleaning the house,
planning,
paying bills,
organizing.
i’d rather shop
than do laundry.
i’d rather go out to eat
than grocery shop.
and i’d rather go out
than cook
what i actually
went and purchased
from the grocery store.
my one job at this time
is to pick up
the kids
from school
and i get
there late (or almost late)
at least once a week.
and about once
a week
we sleep past our alarm,
forget to set it,
or it doesn’t go off
and we are late
getting up.
i’m late every sunday
morning
to church. (and it starts at 10!)
i squeeze
as much
as
possible
into my calendar.
yet
God finds me
even
if I
haven’t taken
the time
for Him.
a couple times a day
(at least)
I am reminded
to talk to Him,
in thanks,
in request,
in need of comfort.
sometimes
at
the randomest of moments
Mark’s absence dominates
the surrounding,
and
I remember
Who
is carrying me
through…
even if I try
to be strong enough
(which to me is the same as busy enough)
I find
moments
of awakening
in the middle
of wherever I am.
out of pride
I could try
to make
it on my own, apart from God.
but I
am sure that
without His hope,
without understanding
what life is about,
I would be miserable,
I would be lost,
desperate, empty.
pride
is not
what I want.
I don’t want to
appear particularly strong…
or to appear like anything in particular.
I just want God
to hollow out this shell, fill me up with Himself
and… who knows.
after last friday’s concert
I was beginning
to feel a bit
of burn out.
…and the following wednesday,
we had tickets to
see switchfoot
at the roxy.
i was just given
their new record (thanks angulos)
and have been
raving about it
and listening excessively.
so I was thrilled
to see them perform
their new music.
the line to get in
was all the way down the street,
such a small venue
we all wondered how they’d pack us in.
like
a can of sardines
is how. hot and completely worth it.
switchfoot played
the entire
Hello Hurricane
album
and then
about 7 more songs. and 1 more after that.
it
was
inspiring,
energizing,
refreshing,
and the show
was
one of
my absolute favorites.
home
late,
checked
on my
little rascal
and
then found this
waiting for me
on my bed.
Back to his room,
took some effort
to wake him
enough
to get him to
climb down from his bunk,
and
let him sleep with me.
almost a year later
hospital bills are
still unpaid.
collections calls and their threats increase.
mark’s health insurance company
has refused
3 appeals made
by mission hospital
to cover the cost.
and now
it’s on my shoulders
to call them,
to appeal
or even hire an attorney.
this means
i will have to go back,
let the memories flow,
the reasons for the transfer,
mark’s condition,
and plead it all before them.
i have prayed to not have to do this.
to not have to
bring these images
back.
those long minutes,
hours, and emotions.
yet here i sit.
here they come.
God I know you will provide.
protect my heart,
my mind,
as I make this call. give me the words.
it would be awesome if you’d pray with me, as you’ve done before.
i’ll try to call at noon.
update 1:30pm: Thanks for praying. Just got off the phone. Based on a few minutes online research on the insurance company claim issues and the customer service representative’s tone who filed the appeal on my behalf this will not be the end of it. He told me I will hear back in 7-10 days. If you would, please continue to remember this when you pray. My hope is that this would be the end of it. Exhausting.
last november
we were ready
to adopt.
paperwork in,
classes complete,
cpr certified,
and waiting to
answer the phone
and hear about some
little person out there
who may be joining our family.
after mark died
one of the first changes
that i made to our house
was cleaning out the
baby’s room, disassembling the crib,
emptying the dresser,
and boxing away the clothes.
that room symbolized
our hopes,
dreams,
our future.
what
could no longer be.
it’s been months
and those items
were collecting dust
in the garage.
so i donated
the crib,
the carseat,
and swing
to the pregnancy counseling center.
since i’m in limbo
they should be put
to good use.
but at the same time
i had been receiving calls to schedule the
annual state inspection
of our house
to renew our license.
last year
we worked frantically
to finish
all our projects
in time
for this inspection.
this time
i didn’t even
clean the house.
i had postponed
and cancelled
this appointment
already several times.
but last week
i resisted
and resisted
and resisted again
the urge
to call
and say maybe another day.
i bit my lip,
held my tongue,
kept back my fingers
from so easily
dialing up,
making an excuse,
and delaying
this event.
the act of
moving on.
the act of
continuing
with life.
the thought of
adoption scares me.
not just because
there will
be another
member of
our family
to care for.
but because
i will be saying
to myself
that my life is not over
that i am still here
that i may not be on the way out
and that i will take the chance
and hope
to be here
long enough
to at least raise
this little person.
now that
i had the meeting,
my excitement is building
for
this possibility.
it doesn’t seem to be the
time quite yet,
but i
hope
there will
a day
somewhat soon
when the
time is right.
For as long as I remember Matthew 4
has been my favorite part
of the Bible.
In it Jesus
is out in the wilderness
alone &
hungry
for 40 days
and there goes the devil
to tempt Him.
So the devil uses
some half-truths
and even quotes
some of the Bible
trying to
get Jesus
to give in.
And every time
Jesus
responds
with
another Bible verse.
But the point is…
there is one
part there
where
Jesus responded
that man shall not
live
by bread alone
but by
every word
that comes from
the mouth of God.
Those words
has been replaying
through my
mind over and over
for the past 10 months,
but ever increasingly
this past month.
Within that
statement
is something
deeper,
something
that God wants
me to grasp,
apply,
and live out.
Maybe it has to do with pride.
Thinking that I can manage (apart from Him).
I don’t want to just get by,
or to get through this on my own.
Instead I want to live realizing
God is in control,
that I am here on this earth to worship Him,
and that I will trust Him with all of me
to not just get me through this,
but to change me into wh0 He wants me to be.
(Please excuse the rhyme- completely unintentional I promise)
fall arrived (so says the calendar)
and nolan wanted to/asked to decorate.
i usually love decorating my house
for the holidays,
but now i don’t like pulling out the boxes
sorting through all the memories.
initially my motivation
was because of nolan
since he wanted the house
to be festive,
but as i put things out in
their place i started to think
maybe i can do this, maybe even like it.
it all reminds me of mark,
of what we love about the fall.
in the fall decorations box,
at the bottom…was mark’s wig…
and the green face paint he applied to my face last year.
just left it
where it was.
instead grabbed the pumpkins, candles, and singing frankenstein.
and…i had bought nolan a ninja costume
right after halloween last year
@ target for $4.00.
what a steal. pulled that out.
to get myself ready…i just threw on
some ears and gloves
we had
lying around the house (seriously)
and went
as minnie mouse.
went over to the franks house and
kept the trick or treating tradition.
my sister in law amber
made adorable
mummy dogs,
peanut butter eye balls,
and gummy worm punch. clever.
the night
went well,
and it may have
helped warm me
up for the biggies
around the bend.
while i have been
enjoying concerts
at the smaller spots,
i couldn’t turn down
the chance to join
about 100,000 people
to see this
incredible u2 concert.
traffic
was going to be crazy
so we got there a few hours
early.
hung out in the parking lot,
chatting,
and watching people (quite entertaining).
black eyed peas
opened up the night,
got everyone energized.
u2 took it from there.
since bono looked
about the size of an ant
from our seats,
it was hard not to let my eyes
wander to the die hard fans, singing in the aisles,
swaying from side to side,
& shaking their fists.
first time
at the hollywood palladium.
the open floor area
reminded me of a
roller skating rink.
got there at just
the right time
to get a pass
upstairs. perfect view. the place was packed.
we made the
mistake
of not eating before the show
so we were
all famished
by the time
beach house
finished
and grizzly bear
came on.
after the show
we stopped for dinner/breakfast.
as we walked, we heard live music across the street in a courtyard- they were playing our wedding song.
wear it or carry it
about to hop in a cab, instead we rode the subway (“metro”) since the station was right there.
wandered around for a bit, it started to rain some more, and was a bit chilly.
hitched a ride with a rather smelly cab driver to the eiffel tower to cruise down the river seine.
finally we arrived back at our hotel to pick up our luggage. and about 20 minutes later we were into one more smelly cab.
at the train station, we were directed into the “queue” to check in.
after waiting awhile, we heard rumors of strikes, cancellations, and delays. people became tense, most likely not helped by the men walking around with machine guns (Scary.)
parties with small children were called forward.
not us. nolan is no longer considered a “small” child.
those with connecting flights were called forward.
not us. ours didn’t qualify- it’s in the morning.
all a bit unsettling, unnerving, and we started thinking we may be making our own way to london and we would need to do it quick. only 13 hours from take off, and the drive alone would be 9 hours.
but after awhile the line moved, and we were notified departure would be delayed an hour.
sure enough a little over an hour later we were going.
about an hour and a half later we got some news- further delay.
the tunnel under the english channel closes at midnight every night for maintenance. our train didn’t make it in time and we had to wait for an hour while they completed their work.
arrived in london just before 2 am. the hotel sent a cab for us. the trick was finding him.
half an hour later we checked in, headed to our room, and into comfortable beds.
Day 9. October 18. London back to LA.
so tired this morning after getting only four hours of sleep. repacked our bags, dressed a sleepy and even sleeping boy, and woke him in time to head out to catch our flight.
london heathrow is enormous. made our way down the long halls to the waiting area and shops for awhile before winding down the corridors to board the plane.
once boarded, we were disappointed to find they had changed our seats. nolan and i were sandwiched between a couple strangers on each side, and mom was sandwiched between some behind us.
on my left was a woman who was crying and somber much of the time.
on nolan’s right was a man who had a foot injury.
needless to say getting in and out for the restroom was difficult.
i tried to take nolan when one of them was up, but hard to regulate a seven year old’s bladder on an 11 hour flight.
so good to be back in los angeles. coming back in through security was quite friendly, and it’s great to be home.
two of my brothers picked us up at the airport- and didn’t want to miss us. here’s what they were holding. funny!
And no better way than this to celebrate being back in southern california. Lunch @
well i didn’t journal this day and by the next day i had forgotten what we had done.
so here is the day in pictures (mostly):
the walk
notre dame
the louvre
for dinner tried an italian pizzeria.
nolan and i split this average american looking calzone…only to discover a yoke filled fried egg in the middle. not a pleasant surprise…
told nolan we could grab dessert on the way back but didn’t pass anything. so we got back to the hotel at almost 11 and ordered him dessert from room service.
finally fell asleep after 2am
we slept until our 8:10am
wake up call.
at breakfast, nolan got stuck in the restroom
unable to unlock the door.
he shrieked
“mom I don’t want to be locked in here forever.”
but he escaped unscathed.
we paid, and headed back to quickly complete packing,
say farewell to our eco friendly hotel
and hop in a cab for st pancras.
took about 40 minutes to get there,
traffic was pretty heavy this morning.
at the train station
got a stamp on our passports (#3),
and waited for boarding.
the view from the window was lovely
and reminded me so much of california.
nolan was busy writing on a napkin,
saying he was writing a book.
the story was of a boy
who was about to be shot at by a bad guy,
but his dad saved him and they went home. how sad.
the train was fast and amazingly smooth.
it would take a ferry ride and 9 hours to drive
the distance that this
train would cover in 2 1/2 hours.
and part of the distance would
be through a tunnel beneath
the english channel.
before we knew it we were already to paris.
the line for taxis reminded me of lines at disneyland.
about 25 minutes later we were in the taxi
and on our way through the streets of paris
our hotel next to the louvre.
the cab driver
was listening to some french, and some english music.
i took a bunch of pictures out of the windows.
ooh la la. seriously in awe of this place.
weaving in and out of lanes, dodging motorcyclists,
other cabs, buses, and the like
about 25 minutes later we made it to our hotel.
the room was smallish (not too tiny)
but very very nice.
with lots of closets, a desk, a nice restroom
and a pretty balcony with a nice view. wonderful.
a sweet boy
(with some help)
had flowers waiting in the room
as a birthday surprise.
after we put away our clothes, we set out to see the eiffel tower.
we stopped along the side of a park
for coffee,
chocolate (nutella) and banana crepes
and a hot dog in a baguette for nolan.
then we continued along the path, crossed over the river seine,
and to the eiffel tower.
a french woman overheard us talking about where to eat,
turned around, and politely recommended a place
around the corner. how nice!
for dessert we had chocolate mousse and creme brulee. good stuff.
walked for about a block and found a stop
where you pick up cabs.
hopped into the first one which was a mercedes cab,
and then made it to our hotel in about 10 minutes.
nolan fell asleep right away, and i am quickly following the same path.
We were all still
awake,
Mom and Nolan
were really sweet
with cards and gifts.
But deep down,
below it all,
behind the running,
the constant movement,
the sights,
the adventure,
the photos,
the smiles,
the frustration,
the excitement…
is that same truth.
Thousands of miles,
hours and hours,
a new land,
vacation,
plans,
busy-ness,
and it is still there.
We are using
the passports
the three of us
intended to fill.
I can’t sleep.
Partly because
we slept about
15 hours last night.
But also
my mind is racing
with
thoughts of him.
He baked
my cake
last year…
my favorite.
Even bought those silly
letter
candles
that read
“Happy Birthday”.
Missing his warmth,
his arms,
resting our feet
together when we’d sleep.
Thanking God
for those comforting memories
swirling
through
my head…
Not much sleep happened for me on the plane.
Mom slept better
and Nolan slept
the best- such a good traveler.
Landed at 9:30am. What a great flight.
Entered through “All Other Passports”
and got our second passport stamps-
and mom’s first stamp.
Made our way to the black cabs,
heading over to Kensington and our hotel.
If it is wasn’t a cab,
every other car
was a BMW.
They were driving on
the “wrong”
side of the car
and road.
But other than that
the roads felt like home.
20 minutes and
45 pounds (about $90) later
we were at Base2stay,
our home for the next
two nights.
After showering
and resting,
we set out
to find the place
to pick up our London pass.
Everyone
seems to be
in such a rush.
On the way to find the tube (subway),
as we waited to cross the street
a guy on a bicycle
(i repeat- a bicycle)
stopped at the crosswalk,
yelled to us,
“Hey are you going
to go or not? You
are wasting all of our time.”
Yikes.
Cruised the River Thames.
Then walked by Big Ben,
the Houses of Parliament,
and Westminster Abbey.
Boarded the already overcrowded tube.
Squeezed in with hundreds of business people
looking intently at their newspapers and not talking.
A couple people would get off at each stop
and then about twice as many would crowd back in.
Mom wanted to get off at each stop for about 4 stops before ours.
But alas made it all the way, mom promising never to do that again.
Mom and I were so tired tonight we dozed off at dinner.
One time I opened my heavy eyelids to see her eyes closed
and Nolan looking back and forth between us. Back to the hotel by 9.
Woke up at 7am
(equivalent to 4am at home)
and threw on some clothes.
Nolan was very tired.
I forget that I’m
not a morning person
until
I am around someone
in the morning
who is.
I think
my mom is.
Finished up with breakfast,
stuffed my clothes back in the compression bag, rolled it up,
and squeezed it in my suitcase.
Took a cab
(well it ended up being a Navigator)
20 minutes
into the city,
to the hotel,
dropped off our bags, forgot cameras, returned for cameras,
and set out
for Central Park.
Being about 6 am at home
I required caffeine
or I’d be like this all day.
Walked up 8th,
Nolan found some poor birds to scare,
and then Mom
had a great idea
to take this ride
around Central Park.
Great ride. It saved a tremendous amount of time and energy.
We were dropped at the Museum of Natural History.
The tickets line was very long
and Nolan decided he was satisfied
with just getting inside the museum,
and seeing the dinosaurs in the lobby.
So we left and bought some
$2 hot dogs at the cart right down the steps from the museum.
Decided to walk across the park to get
to the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
Started in the Egyptian art because that housed the restrooms.
What a time in the museum.
We were beat by the time we left the museum
a few hours later.
Purchased an unlimited metro pass for the day to ride the subway- Nolan was delightfully free
and tried to figure out how to get us both
through the turning arm if I didn’t get a pass for him.
(Later I was told for him to duck under the arm)
Checked in to our hotel,
relaxed for about an hour,
then off for dinner
and to see the Empire State Building.
The wait was almost two hours,
and we didn’t end up going up to the top.
By this time it was nearing 11,
and we decided to return to our hotel.
While looking at the subway map had a freakish
encounter
with
someone
hiding under a down jacket,
so we speedily hopped on the subway
and went back to Times Square
to some comfortable beds.
Mom and Nolan are now both asleep
and I am doing the same shortly.
Day 1. October 10. Off to New York.
Wake at 7:50 after going to bed at 2am.
Planning to get to airport by 11 for 1:35 flight.
Wish Mark could be going.
Quick stop at the cemetery, leave flowers, and my heart hurts
as I pull away
so abruptly
from where his body rests.
Think about the reality of it all, no tears even though I could at any moment.
My little man sits in the back seat just as excited, if
not more than his mom
to be going on this new adventure.
Plane left on time.
Flew Virgin America. They keep you busy
which I love
because even though
I love traveling
I don’t adore flying.
4 1/2 hour flight
and I didn’t touch the book I brought to read,
the travel books to look through,
my magazines, or the newspaper.
Between listening to their music (i didn’t even use my ipod this flight),
watching the music videos, tv, and the movie
I was thoroughly entertained.
Nolan did some schoolwork, watched tv, and played with toys.
The boy was hungry
(he’s a bottomless pit ever since school started)
the whole flight
so i kept funneling the snacks over to him.
Took Nolan to the restroom a couple times on the flight.
He wasn’t comfortable going in alone.
Have you been in those airplane restrooms? tiny, But we managed.
After some coke, a cup of tea, and a pretty spectacular dusk it was night and time to land.
I had been into the city once before back in 2000.
My friend Amy and I came for the mtv video music awards,
Mark stayed home…
but we hoped to come together another time.
Then on our way to boston
we had a layover here,
talking about coming back
to spend some time here one day.
Being here without him now,
realizing we don’t have a later
to count on
is a reality check.
Our plans for the night were very simple.
Get to the hotel which is a few miles from the airport, and sleep.
Nolan is already loving NY and we haven’t even been outside-
straight from the airport to the shuttle to the hotel.
here’s mark’s birthday without mark. and since that seems so backwards, here’s our day in reverse…
sunset.
windmills in the desert.
a tired mom and a grumpy boy.
hiking back.
hiking there.
flowers on the grave.
…
thanks to today’s adult crew: scott (& happy bday to you), penny, josh, casey, michael, amber, david, and robyn. and thanks to today’s kiddo crew: ellie, luke, bangulo, joelle, paris, franks, and nolan.
it felt amazing to be out there hiking. a perfect way to celebrate mark.
as of last week
i said goodbye 20’s, hello 30.
to ring in mark’s 30’s
a couple years ago
we traveled to boston.
i had made all the
arrangements with
his boss for time off,
so nolan and i were
able to keep it a secret until the day
before we left.
we had the best time
and after that trip
he would somewhat jokingly
say he didn’t know
how he was going
to beat that for my 30th.
last month i started
planning and then…
the journey began last saturday,
spent sunday
and monday in new york,
flew to london
overnight monday,
arriving tuesday morning.
thursday mid-day
took the eurostar train
from london to paris.
spent three days
in paris, returned to london
saturday night
(actually sunday morning due to delays)
and flew out from
london sunday morning, 11 hours in the air,
and arriving back to los angeles
sunday afternoon.
no wonder I’ve been
too tired all week
to even consider
posting pictures and
blogging about it.
what a whirlwind…
but what a trip!
more pictures and
details to come…
we are within
the brief
window
of time,
9 days,
between
my birthday
on oct 15
and
mark’s birthday
on oct 24.
for this week + 2 days
our ages are
just a year apart.
16 and 17
17 and 18
18 and 19
19 and 20
20 and 21
21 and 22
22 and 23
23 and 24
24 and 25
25 and 26
26 and 27
27 and 28
28 and 29
29 and 30
…
and now 30 and 31
but in just
5 days
mark
won’t be turning 32.
that means
in
a year
i will be
catching up
to him. caught up
to him.
31. both of us, the same age.
on oct 24
i
will have
to
make the
choice
to say
he
was 31 or
he would-have-been
32.
i dread
counting
would-have-been’s.
really there aren’t any would have’s. i think counting just shows that we still care, miss him, and wish that he was here.
saturday night we were lucky
once again
and stumbled upon
a great band-
cotton jones.
when their show ended after midnight, it was time to camp out at the cemetery:
still days later
i’m feeling the
effects
of that sleepless night.
this upcoming
weekend
there are no
concerts on the
agenda
and i hope
to do some work around
the house
and maybe get
a bit of extra rest.
expectations
are my enemy.
i find
myself
getting caught
up in them.
and
when
my
expectations
aren’t met
i’m disappointed.
depending
on what
it is,
i find a
little seed
of bitterness
planted
where
that
expectation
took root.
right now
it seems
more of
a challenge
to ward
off
these nasty
little
weeds,
to clear
my head,
accept
my reality, respect
the reality
of others.
i think
in ways
i don’t
want to
think.
ways
i don’t
believe
i (really)
think.
but sure
enough
there it
is.
in
my head.
no denying
it’s my
own thought.
jealousy.
bitterness.
envy. anger.
sadness.
where
i just want
to be
thankful
for what i have,
thankful
for what
i had,
thankful
for what others
have.
i cringe
at mushy
status
updates
on
facebook
and
twitter.
spouses vowing
their
undying
love for
one another in 140 words or less.
that hide
button
suddenly
becomes so tempting.
but,
i would
be saying
the same.
i would
be bragging
about
mark
that he took me out,
that he’s
the greatest
dad,
that he is my best friend,
that he is super sexy
(joking on that last one- that’d be too much info).
or others who
talk
about death
like
it’s just
a figure
of speech.
friends who
avoid
me
because
they can’t
deal
with
“it“…
wouldn’t
have
mattered
so much
when i
had mark- all the
friend i
thought
i really
needed.
but now,
all these
things
that i
could once
let go,
or not
even
think
about,
are
little sour bits
in my heart,
in my mind.
my thinking
is that
by letting
it out here,
that i
can
let them go.
and so,
there
it goes.
expectations,
please leave me.
you are
definitely not
my
friend.
i’m volunteering as
a room parent and we have already met twice this
week to discuss parties.
nolan is getting into the
swing of things. mornings are usually the
challenge.
as soon as he’s up
he is in the bathroom
and on the toilet.
his stomach is anxious.
a couple times while he
was sitting there
he had a bowl on his lap
to vomit in.
even with that
this week has been
a huge improvement. no tears at all before school.
he leaves just a tad anxious
and comes home happy after having a good day.
and today after school
he said what i think every mom
wants to hear:
i love the weekends with you mom.
sweet boy, i love the weekends with you.
The drive
to LA
feels
much
shorter now
that
we
go so often.
And once again,
we left the
kids at home
with Grandma Susan (thank you!)
for their school’s in
early bed times,
and us concert fanatics
left the
land of graffiti, gangsters, & smog
to enter
the
land of graffiti, gangsters, smog, & concerts.
Kidding.
Time
to go to the
venue at the
top of
my wish list…
The Troubadour.
As we made our
way down
Santa Monica Blvd
we passed
several
police officers-
looked like some
sort of a funeral procession. (Doesn’t everything remind me of a funeral now?)
But then we saw this tow truck
pulling
a green taxi
full of people,
cameras,
and lots of filming equipment.
In the taxi
Amber spotted
Seth Rogen.
Kind of exciting
to see a bit
of movie making magic
on our way to the
concert.
Once we got to
the Troubadour
we were pleasantly surprised
that
it’s in a nice
area.
Just a block
past
were
those swanky Beverly Hills
crest
signs.
We parked along
the street.
Decided to just
find something close by
to eat.
Right next door
is an italian place
called Dan Tana’s. From the outside
it looked like
a hole in the wall
type place.
Once through the
door we were
stunned
to be greeted
by a male host
wearing a tux.
Bow tie.
The works.
Asked if we had a reservation.
At that point
I felt a bit like
he was joking.
The place had the feel
of a pizza parlor.
Red and white checkered tablecloths (I think).
Paraphernalia covering the walls.
Of course
we didn’t have
reservations
but
he showed
us to a table anyway.
Turned out
to be
a great place.
But what was funny
was as
we were eating
Seth Rogen came in
and sat at the
table across
from us.
Amber
joked that
he was stalking us.
Met up
with Alisha
and headed in
for the show. Landon Pigg
(Love in a Coffeeshop singer)
and Erin McCarley
were performing.
Completely
entertaining.
I marveled
at the idea
that admission
to these smaller concerts
is the same
as a
walk in movie.
Alisha and Amber
spent some time
staring
at the
backs of heads,
Alisha
spent some time
distracted by
somebody’s
interesting
dance moves,
as usual Michael let himself
get cut off by
the ladies,
and we all
did our fair share
of people watching.
The Troubadour
was
quite small
and simple
so it
felt intimate.
Looking forward to
the next couple
concerts
that we’re planning to
see there.
As always
the drive
home was
part of the fun.
Starbucks
closes much too early
to be any
help
with staying
awake.
So my trusty
iPod (and my backseat singing copilot)
came through
once
more
to keep me awake.
most nights
before bed
i will ask nolan
who or what
he wants to pray about. most nights
he doesn’t know.
we then
choose something
he is thankful for.
tonight though
he knew what he wanted to pray about.
he said
he wanted to pray
about daddy.
he’s missing his dad he says.
he’s kind of sad he says.
and you know
even though i relate,
i stopped myself from
telling him that.
as he was telling me,
my inclination
was to tell him
i am sad too
i miss mark too. but i stopped.
it hit me that
maybe this time i
should simply encourage him
to feel his feelings
without
telling him mine.
instead we
talked
about what he misses
most
about
his dad.
of course
it
was
the snuggling
and
the playing.
we talked
about
his dad
loving
him from heaven.
and we
prayed
once more
that God
would tell
mark
how much
his son
loves
him.
Mark and I
established traditions intentionally.
It was important
to us
for our family
to have that.
Most of
our annual traditions
seem to
occur in the fall.
Oak Glen is
probably
the single tradition
that stands
out the most.
It was a definite.
Every year
in October
and sometimes
even September
we would
make the
trek
up
the hills
in search
of an apple pie
and to pull some apples off some branches.
Might even
pick up
a pumpkin
for carving
come
Halloween.
It was
the
event
that equaled
fall aka autumn.
Once Oak Glen
happened,
that was it,
we said goodbye summer
and set our
minds toward…
each other’s birthdays
trick or treating
turkey carving
cookie baking
gift shopping (which included the unintentional tradition of arguing)
tree purchasing
tree decorating anniversary celebrating
gift opening assembling
running around kissing at midnight mayhem
called
the last
three months
of the year.
And so
for the first time that
event
has come
without
Mark.
The tradition
which began with him,
to be enjoyed with him,
is now being
enjoyed without.
I like to think
that it
would be
a comfort
to know what we
established together
would be continued.
But I know
that
crossing this
bridge
is significant.
I am bracing
myself
for what
I will
encounter in
the next few months.
My 30th Birthday (I’m running away to Europe)
Mark’s Birthday
Halloween
Thanksgiving
One Year Since His Accident
Our Anniversary
Christmas
New Year’s
One Year Since He Died…
I have a pretty full calendar
to carry
me swiftly through
what
will be
rough waters.
But I know
that
my calendar
will only
do
so much,
and I will trust
that God
will take over
and
bring me
through.
Michael, Amber and I were out in LA
for another concert.
But this time
we were excited
to see
Noah…
(Mark’s cousin who, to avoid any painful clarification,
I usually now simply refer to as my cousin)
…and his band Hank Floyd perform.
Our usual arrival time
They’d
taken a break
the past few years
and this was their first show
since they started recording
their new album.
Their show was at
this nice little lounge
called Room 5.
It was
extremely cozy,
& the pesto chicken pizza
was pretty noteworthy.
My brother insists this pizza was the best ever
It was a great show.
We enjoyed hearing
their new music.
Especially the Riverside song.
Noah- Hank Floyd
After the show
we hung out with
Noah and friends.
Watched some
perplexing music videos
and
sampled their
special brew of sweet tea.
Such a fun night.
Looking forward to
the next one.
Here are the top 3 simple things of my day to day:
#3 Dusk. It’s just so pleasant.
#2 Snuggling with the boy before bed. We climb in the bottom bunk, read a story, chat a little bit, pray, cuddle, maybe sing a song, and then he marches up to the top bunk while I hang out on the bottom until he falls asleep.
#1 Brushing my teeth for the first time in the morning. Ok I love snuggling my boy more, but it is such a great feeling to get rid of that nasty taste in my mouth. So today I’m marking it numero uno.
life (death)
has caught me off
guard.
i feel needy.
emotional. high maintenance.
when nolan was
around,
he kept me focused on him
distracted from things.
but now
he’s in school
every day.
so i find myself
crying more
thinking more
remembering more.
the memories of
that month.
the time we spent
in the hospital(s).
the rollercoaster.
the decisions.
the stress.
staring at his face.
squeezing my
hand to his
hoping for a response. smoothing the hairs
on his forearm
over and over.
the moments
when i could swear
he was in pain.
crawling in bed
with him.
his face no longer his face after he died.
that day
i thought that those
images would be forever
engraved
in the forefront of my mind.
they left for a time.
and now it all
is coming back.
it’s fresh.
it’s sharp.
this week nolan began second grade.
i imagined this week would be rough.
and it was.
but it was not as rough as i imagined.
nolan has a wonderful teacher.
on day 2 nolan was having a hard time
and was missing me.
he asked his teacher to sit with him at lunch
and she did.
she ate at the table with the kids
in the cafeteria.
amazing.
day 3 (today)
nolan spent his time
this morning hunched over the toilet
feeling like he had to
and almost throwing up.
but he made it to school
not only without tears
but smiling.
we are adjusting.
i’ve been pretty busy this week
but i hope to get into
my own routine
while nolan is at school.
cycling on mwf
and photo class on tth
will take up my mornings.
each day i want to take care of
certain household “chores”
so my house
doesn’t always look
like it’s been ransacked.
and i want to volunteer
in nolan’s class.
i’ve also been helping
a bit over at
riverside life services
with their
upcoming walk 4 life.
all of that will
consume
a large portion
of the six hours nolan
spends at school.
school buddies
my niece is in kindergarten
at the same school as nolan.
my brother and i
are trading off
taking the kids to school
and picking them up.
it’s been nice
for the kids and grown-ups.
It feels like this month has
been dragging.
I could swear 8 months
already happened.
But after counting
and recounting
it’s eight.
A friend
asked me if I’m close to God.
Good question.
And I don’t
have that all figured out.
I don’t feel
close.
But…
I believe in God.
That He can do anything.
That He is in control.
That He created a world where we can choose.
That sin makes this world imperfect.
That accidents happen.
That God can do anything except something stupid.
That God can heal.
That God doesn’t want us to hurt.
That God will comfort us.
That God isn’t interested in our comfort.
That God is everywhere.
That God listens when we cry to Him.
That God is love.
That if you know love, you know God.
That we love because God first loved us.
That God is close to you if you draw close to Him.
That no matter where you go, God is there.
That some of these things appear to contradict each other.
That God is bigger than our limited understanding.
That if God wasn’t bigger than our understanding, He wouldn’t be God.
That God gave me Mark.
That God didn’t have to give me Mark.
That God knew I would be here today.
That God cares for me.
That God is God.
As low as I go,
there’s still hope.
What good
is this life,
our love,
if everything we
are trusting in,
counting on,
and hoping for
isn’t better
than the
best this world
can offer?
God knew
one day I
would be here.
I would be hurting.
And that
my faith would
be tested.
He saw today.
He saw 8 months ago today.
He knew what
I would need
to carry me through.
And so here
I am,
having faith,
knowing that
God gave me the good,
and trusting
that when I have lost
something so good,
so amazing from my life,
that God is going
to be close to me.
I grew up with a relatively large family- three brothers and a sister. Actually Mark has a good sized family too. So when we all get together it’s quite a crowd. It has been a few years since we’ve done any family pictures on my side of the family and decided to utilize the talents of professional photographer friend Matt Weybright. The photos were taken in downtown Riverside. Thanks Matt. We had fun and love how the pictures turned out.
my great family
growing so fast
hard to beat a hand-holding shot
he was really close to my face when he took this one
michael, amber, paris & caleb. brother and his family.
mark & nolan on the buzz lightyear ride at disneyland
Nolan
tries to be the man of the
house.
Some of it is natural like he
leaves the
toilet seat up
and rarely
flushes.
He also
tries
to be the protector.
Hard to do though
because losing his dad
made him
worried and fearful.
And that has
been something we
have been
working through.
A big part has
been his attachment
to me
(perhaps even mine to him).
Having Nolan
home with me these past
six months has been a great thing
for both of us.
He is doing better
and if you ask him about it,
he responds that he’s looking
forward to going to school.
I don’t know if
he would have even
said that
“before“.
The drive to Big Sur was beautiful. Once again I found myself in the middle of these golden hills dotted with oak trees. To top it off it was my favorite time of day- dusk. Every drive through here I am tempted to pull over, get out, lay down on a picnic blanket beneath a shady oak, and take it all in. If I ever wanted to move, this spot would be a contender.
once again we overloaded
our vehicles
and
set off for
a 4 day weekend camp trip
in big sur & a stop at the monterey bay aquarium.
lots of fun with wonderful family/friends.
thanks case for
letting us benefit
from your
knack at making
reservations
way way way
in advance.
it was the first time
nolan and i
have ever
stayed in a tent
just the two of us.
and besides
nolan filling
his sleeping bag
with vomit
in the middle
of that one night
it went pretty well.
it was a
great trip
and hopefully
we’ll go back next year.
One hour
after getting
home from Vegas
we were back
out the door
to the Echo
in LA
for J Tillman’s
concert.
Stopped by
a record store
to look for
a poster
for my house.
Didn’t find what
I was looking for but everyone else
left with
some fun posters.
We drove past
the venue
about three times
without seeing it,
then we watched the
address numbers
to find it.
Had dinner next door
and then stood in line.
Made our way in,
my sicko brother immediately
fell asleep
and created a napping section-
the guy sitting next to
him fell asleep.
Not sure if he
was sick too,
he just looked bored. Maybe he was faking sleep.
There were three bands,
not sure the first,
but the second was Evan Way
of the Parson Redheads.
Enjoyed the music
but the couple in the band
were so cute together
and I have to say that
made as much of an
impression as
their music which was good.
At 11 o clock J Tillman (you should see his beard)
came on.
Loved it.
So much talent
and it was nice
to be able to see
them in a tiny venue
like the Echo.
Michael perked up enough
to hear J Tillman
and as soon as he
finished
we darted for the door
to head home,
get our kids
and prepare to leave the next day
(technically later that day)
for our camping trip.
Busy, busy.
Wednesday
bright and early
we loaded
into my car
and headed
off to vegas
for the kings of leon
concert @ the joint/hard rock.
Thanks to
my brother’s
insistence that
we leave
at an ungodly
hour
we arrived
that morning by 11
and were relaxing
in the pool
by 12:30. Fast forward
a couple hours
we got ready
and got in line.
Actually
we had dinner
but Neil
held our place
in line.
(Thanks)
neil got sick that night.
michael got sick the next night.
amber, christine, me. amber got sick two nights later.
And the
first stroke of
luck was that
he called to
tell us if
the restaurant stamped
our tickets
we would get
VIP entrance
to the concert.
Made our way
back to the line,
had to throw
away the dinner
we brought
him,
and ticked off
all the people
in the other line
by strolling on ahead
to the “special” line.
Met some new
interesting friends
in line.
Second stroke
of luck-
front row!
Great view
of the show.
Amazing show.
But oh some of the fans.
Overzealous to say the least.
About halfway through
the show
I look over
to see two
thirty-something
guys sweating, crying?!,
singing along,
raising their arms,
quite possibly worshipping
the kings of leon.
Seriously these
men mirrored
tweenage girls adoring the Jonases.
Not just that
but they were
pushy.
Just like some
of the women
at the concert.
Lots of pushing,
name calling,
and spilled drinks.
A bit annoying.
I loved the show
though.
Drama and all.
Just gave me more to talk about.
After an
exhilarating
show,
we hit
the casino
to try
out the game tables.
Played blackjack
for about a second,
and then roulette
for quite awhile.
Didn’t walk
away with winnings
but had fun playing.
I guess my luck
ran out earlier in
the day.
Finally went to bed
and got
some sleep
before
swimming the
next morning
and going
down the
waterslide.
Then it was
back in the car,
back across yesterday’s desert
and home
to get ready
for another concert
in LA that night.
Big Sur with Mark - Nolan's 1st Birthday Camping Trip
I finally ordered
the marker for Mark’s grave.
Got a bit of energy
and went with it.
Kept it simple.
Or so I thought.
I got the first
rendering back
and made about 20 changes.
I’m sure the guy thought
I was a bit crazy.
Mixed in with
ordering a headstone
was a busy week
of fun.
Vegas.
then LA.
Big Sur.
Monterey.
Kings of Leon.
J Tillman.
Michael. Amber.
Neil. Christine.
Josh. Casey.
And all our kids.
I feel like this is typical of my new life.
A juxtaposition
of happiness
and sadness.
That two opposites
can intertwine
and become one.
The happy things that
I experience
have a sad shadow.
And as I continue
doing what
we loved to do together
my eyes are opened,
my heart exposed
to who
exactly
it is
I lost
this year.
Sharing with you my limited memory.
Waking up
the day after Mark was gone.
That first morning
that I was
not sharing with him.
The stinking calendar.
I think I was laying in bed.
And picturing it.
That the date
would be
January 9.
January 9, 2009.
A date Mark wouldn’t share
with me.
A date AFTER
his dates:
October 24, 1977-
January 8, 2009.
The calendar still
taunts me sometimes.
I want to turn
it back
and leave it
at January 8.
But Nolan.
So, we push ahead
through all
these new
dates.
It doesn’t
feel like moving on.
At all.
It feels like
doing what we need
to do, what we must,
to get through
this calendar.
We have fun.
We laugh.
We cry. (I handle most of the crying.)
And we are
doing it together,
as a family.
New date. Monday the 17th
we spent
the day @ the beach.
The fun pictures
I had taken of the kids in the water
all disappeared
(so much to learn)
but I captured some of Balboa Island.
ellie, nolan, luke about to board ferry
walking the wall on balboa
balboa bars @ balboa island. the kids were amazed.
Our drive to Morro Bay was an adventure of its own. It was refreshing. Listened to new music which made it enjoyable. My iPod died so I stopped in Santa Barbara on the way back for a car charger.
Nolan sat in back playing his DS or watching a movie. Sometimes I’d look back and see him trying to do both at the same time. On the way back he came out and said “I need to go to the gym. My back hurts.” He is such a character. I really don’t know where he gets his ideas, but I love to hear his thoughts. He did so well.
Still figuring out this new camera, and I’m hoping to take a photography class @ the community college this fall. So I took some fun pictures along the way. Hope you enjoy the larger than life peace sign and the picture I snapped of myself in the rear view mirror. I spent several hours in traffic so I found a way to occupy my time. It took quite a few tries to get it.
This last weekend was a new experience for Nolan and me. It was our first road trip just the two of us. And it was the first time camping since Mark died. Jim and Barb really took care of everything and even made our favorite camp food like hamburger foil meals and s’mores. They are experts and make it all look so easy. We played games, walked on the beach for the afternoon where we saw a bit of sun, and rode the trolley around the town of Morro Bay. The boys played pretend and set up a gift shop, sold us some nachos for a high five and a fist punch. Here’s a glimpse into our weekend:
Around town
One Huge Clam
Mark's parents- Jim & Barb
Nolan kept trying to take off this long sleeve shirt. Kid is never cold.
Spent the weekend with Mark’s parents,
my nephew, and Nolan camping in Morro Bay.
It was a very different trip for me than it was for Nolan.
I knew it would be hard. It was the first time we’ve camped without Mark.
It was the first time
since Mark died
that I’ve spent more than a couple hours
with his parents, Jim and Barb.
I knew that it would be hard
for all of us. That Mark’s absence
would be felt deeply.
And it was.
We stayed in their family trailer.
The same one they have had since that
first time I camped with their family
in ’95.
Saturday night I lay in the makeshift
table-bed, the same one I usually would lay in.
Since he wasn’t next to me it reminded me
of our dating days and I lay there
looking over to the couch where he would have been
sleeping.
I seemed to wake earlier than him in those days.
The camper he was he always looked so comfortable. And I would
be still and watch him sleeping from across the way, even just stare at the
top of his head or notice that his
nose was slightly puffy in the morning.
That night I tried to read, and at the same time
listen to my iPod,
but the absence of Mark
could never have been more real.
The next day for almost an hour
I sat on the couch,
the trailer door open,
imagining that at any moment
Mark would rush past the window
and into the trailer, Attack me with one of his bear hugs,
and entice me outdoors
“where we should be
when we’re camping”.
I sat there, almost hearing those words,
hoping that in some way
sitting there would prompt
his appearance. That he
would be so excited for me
to get outside that he would once
again come through that doorway.
Of course he didn’t come and the reality of
his death hit me once again.
Nothing could drown it out this weekend.
The lack of sun and constant clouds overwhelmed me with
a melancholy spirit.
I felt trapped. Stuck and forced
into accepting this terrible
reality.
Mark and I had joined
his parents on many
trips over the years-
friends, then dating,
then married, then with Nolan.
Two months after we married,
the two of us spent our first valentine’s day
campingin Morro Bay.
Another time we camped
in the oak trees on the rolling hills along the way.
Just before Nolan was born, Mark was
a courier
and I rode along with him
on an overnight route,
listening to Burl Ives
Christmas music and
sitting beside him
in the middle of the truck bench.
As we set up the scrabble game,
Barb found the score from the last game we
played. The three of us, and Mark had won.
I remember that.
As painful as it was to me,
to Nolan this trip was magical.
He loves the outdoors
and camping like his dad.
So pushing through all this hurt because camping is one way
Nolan and I can remember Mark
and what he loves.
Next post I’ll show you us having some fun on this trip. I’m glad we did it.
sometimes it’s easier to explain how i’m feeling when just emailing a friend like this below. today, 7 months after mark’s death, almost 8 months after his accident, this is the answer to the most commonly asked question: how are you?
when i’m not taking the easy way out with a fine or good or okay then you might get an answer like this:
i have my moments-good and bad. on weds driving home from my dr appt i was startled by the sound of an ambulance turning on their sirens and racing by. it took me right back to the day of marks accident, rushing to the hospital, and the fear that i felt on that drive.
broke into tears right there which i kept quiet since nolan was in the back seat along with my 15 year old brother. i feel like a mess sometimes. never know when something totally unexpected will push me to tears. but a lot of the time im okay.
i miss mark. and wish for our life together but im finding other things to occupy my time. new passions to keep me busy like concerts, photography, and travel.
Ok. So for concert #1.
The Wiltern in LA.
Switchfoot and Blue October. Weds. 6:30.
Didn’t really know who Blue Oct was.
But I liked the name. That has to count for something?
And I listened to one of their songs on youtube
which I surprisingly recognized.
Our plan was to be on the road by 4.
Left closer to 4:30.
Nolan cried when I was leaving.
He asked how long I’d be gone.
I’m certain that when I said about seven hours,
it wasn’t reassuring to him.
Made good time and arrived in LA about 5:45.
A homeless man was standing between traffic lanes
holding a typical sign
asking for food- or money- or gas- I forget.
But then he turned it around
and gave this great smile.
Made my day. That’s honesty. If I had one, I may have given it.
After a little GPS induced detour-
a given every time Lori Lynn and I go to LA-
we made our way to the parking structure ($12).
Across the street we went for a bowl of pho.
New to me so I thought I was being adventurous.
But really it was like a bowl of top ramen just tastier.
Finished dinner around 6:40.
Stood in a line that wrapped around
the side of the building.
20 minutes later we were at the gate.
I couldn’t take my camera inside.
Took it back to the car
which fortunately was near by.
moi and lori lynn
amber stayed home with my sicko nephew, so josh came in her place.
ll's sister kelli was down from sac and kept us all laughing.
Once inside the Wiltern we scrambled
up to the mezzanine
where the seats were assigned.
It was very dark,
and no one to direct us to our seats.
Used cell phones as flashlights to find the rows.
I bet we were quite distracting.
The seats were fine.
Cozy though. And it was so hot in there.
The show had a slow start,
a good middle (Switchfoot),
and a slow end.
But really it was a fun first show.
The crowd was pretty young, like college age.
I am interested to see how that changes depending on the show.
We left midway through Blue October’s set.
The drive was just as entertaining
as the show. We were all laughing so hard.
Got back into Riverside around 12:30ish.
I was still wide awake after the drive.
Nolan had had a great time after all.
Verdict: Will definitely try another show @ the Wiltern. Maybe try standing room on the floor next time.
at age 15 I met mark,
we became best friends,
and I fell in love with him. lucky girl that I am
he loved me back.
the next 14 years
were like
a thousand lifetimes.
it came and went.
we never slowed down.
mark has this
way about him. he’s interesting.
he’s the burly outdoorsman
and sensitive gentleman simultaneously.
we had fun
just being together.
the last year
we worked so hard
on our new-to-us
old house.
while we worked
we would be
talking or making ourselves
laugh.
when we‘d paint,
I would paint around the baseboard,
mark would trim around the ceiling
and by the time I would get around
the room he would already
be right behind me with the roller.
he was quick and very detailed.
family time was so important to us.
he tried to get his school work done
during his free time @ work.
so when he was at home with
Nolan and me,
he was all ours.
he urged me to take breaks
when I was at work
so I wasn’t so drained when I came home.
but he was right.
it made it easier to leave my work there at the office.
I adore him.
I miss him. his quirks. his imperfections.
these past seven months
without mark
have been a crazy whirlwind.
it’s like I always think of him
and never really think of
him.
I remember my husband yet don’t remember my husband.
his voice is fading.
along with his laugh.
the profile of his face that
I’ve memorized so well
over these past years
is disappearing.
the feeling of his soft skin.
that something in his eyes.
I worry that I will forget him
altogether.
I refuse.
so here is something that
reminds me
of the fun loving
ornery
playful
disrespectful
jokester
crude
husband
who I will always love.
Before it all, if I were to imagine
what life would
be without
Mark,
I would think
it would be over.
That his death
would also be mine.
And in a way that is true.
The life we had together
died when he did.
My life is so different now.
Even though I cry sometimes,
it doesn’t seem like
a lot
or enough.
It isn’t everyday.
I must still be in shock.
There is so much that he wanted to do.
He was way too full of life
to no longer be living it.
I don’t think there is
anyone in the world
quite like Mark.
I can’t really describe him.
Except to say that I was and am intrigued by my husband.
I miss his face,
smile,
jokes,
laugh.
I want to hold his hand.
To be a family. Tell him I love him.
Hear him say it back.
206 days later.
I just want him here.
last week
we had an hd cable box
installed.
and I let Nolan watch
it for most
of the day. mistake.
it’s disturbing how
watching the disney
channel affects
his attitude. needless to
say I spent the
rest of the week
correcting and
reminding him
that
adults aren’t allidiots
and
I really
am not as clueless
as the parents
on tv.
come Sunday and
church was about forgiveness.
go to pick up
Nolan from his class
and he greets me with this:
It Says: I am sorry for BAD ATTITUDE MOM. Please forgive me.
a rewarding moment as a parent.
he really does hear
me when I talk.
so a friend of a friend
blogged about
who they envy.
made me think.
who or what am I jealous of @ this moment in time?
for one:
couples.
they are everywhere.
and the fact that they are
together on this day
when i can’t be with mark
makes them so lucky.
and two.
people with simply brilliant ideas.
what comes to mind
are toms shoes.
how great that someone came
up with the idea of
selling shoes
and for each pair sold
a pair would be given
to someone in the world
without shoes.
another one is a foundation
set up by matt logelin
following his wife’s death to
help others in similar situations.
i think it’s freeing to say what causes
me to envy.
My life with Mark was amazing.
We were busy with life and family. Working on our house.
Taking vacations.
Hanging out with friends. Going to church. For awhile I was finishing school.
And then Mark being in school took up some time as well.
So there were some things we didn’t get around to doing.
Like concerts.
But that’s something I would love to do.
I’m ready to expand my attendance repertoire beyond
the Britney Spears concert
I got tickets to in 2001
or the MTV Music Awards in 2000.
Really since then
I haven’t been to any concerts
other than friends’ bands.
I’m pretty clueless about band names and song titles.
And rarely do I venture from the
Christian radio station.
I like it because it’s encouraging, refreshing,
and mostly because it’s actually ok for the 7 year old ears in the backseat.
But lately Nolan’s been either asking
me to change the station
or just turn it off.
He complains that they play the
same songs over and over.
Man, this kid is so much like his dad.
Mark would say exactly the same thing.
And he would listen to talk radio instead.
I can’t stand talk radio.
I think my taste in music
matches my taste buds—
they are both extremely immature.
I can’t stand sushi, alcoholic beverages,
coffee.
My 5 year old niece and 3 year old nephew
know music much better than I do.
I don’t like any one certain kind of music.
Or maybe I do and just don’t know it.
I just know when I like a particular song.
I’m glad to have friends, family, and blogs
that I follow that the people have some taste in music other than the Jonas Brothers.
So instead of trying to see a certain band
my goal is to hit up
some great concert venues
in the area. A new obsession.
Over the next year I want
to hit up at least 10 different
concert venues. Or all of them.
Maybe I’ll even go out of the area.
I would at least like to go to the Fillmore in San Francisco.
Really, I think I’m looking for any excuse to travel.
The first venue will be in Vegas @ Hard Rock
in August.
And then Echoplex in LA. September it will be the Hollywood Bowl.
In October I am planning to go to the Troubadour.
And just for fun, I will keep you posted
on how I like (or dislike) each place.
I think I’ll prefer smaller more intimate venues
over the large type.
But who knows.
The list is pretty long,
so it should keep me busy.
So if you know of
a good show scheduled
@ one of your favorite
concert venues, fill me in.
I like to stay busy
and keep my mind off of things.
Nolan seems to as well.
We’re together
pretty much all day everyday.
He follows me around
the house from room to room,
or if he can’t see me
he will yell
for me with that
scared tone in his voice.
Slowly
he is learning not to be
afraid of anything and
everything that could
possibly go wrong.
The news worries him.
He asks morbid questions.
He asks uncomfortable questions.
Sometimes entirely inappropriate.
I wonder
is this my son, or my dad?
Then I think
no, even my dad wouldn’t
ask that.
He’s quite protective and perceptive. But he’s also 7.
So his imagination takes him all over the place.
It’s going to be an adjustment
for him to go back to school in the fall.
For Nolan and for me.
Without work or school
we’ve been staying up late
and waking up late.
I somehow need to
arrange to
squeeze into
the next six weeks of
summer
the few trips I’ve planned, plus a couple more
that I am dreaming up,
all while beginning to
establish
a “routine”.
I have a feeling the routine
is not going to happen.
Just thought I'd share a story about a bicycle straight from Mark's friend Trevor at work:
You'll like
this one and I'm sure you know nothing about it. Mark was interested
in buying one of my bikes, it may seem crazy but I don't own a bike
that is under $3000, thats right 3 grand I know crazy but I'll get to
the point some times I can just ramble on. So one day I brought the
bike to work so Mark could have a ride around on it, just to feel it
out. I didn't tell him I was going to bring it just a bit of a
surprise. I saw him in the 3rd floor ortho room, our usual meeting
place and told him the good news. When he heard I had one of my bike
near, he dropped everything that he was doing and starting walking to
the staff parking lot. "What about the patients" i said, " they can
wait" Mark yelled at me with that great Mark smile. So we went to the
my truck and I got my bike out, he inspected it for a min or two like
he was a bike mechanic and really knew what he was looking at. Well
ride it i remember saying. He had to take the dress looking scrub
thing off and got on the bike. I didn't intend for him to ride it for
like 30 mins but he went for a ride around the Mission Hospital and
when he came flying back into the parking lot, he had a smile that I
can not even begin to describe to you but I'm sure you know which one.
I was sitting on the back of my car and as he rode up he said how
much, as if he intended to buy it right then and there( sure you would
of been totally fine with a 2000 dollar withdrawal). He was sitting on
the bike and I said 2000 buck which was 2000 dollars off my craigslist
price for a friend. He nearly fell off the bike when I told him and he
gently got off and leaned it against my truck as if it was now made of
glass and silver. Since that time I sold the bike to a good friend who
uses it all around the world in many races. But there is something
special about it that only I and now you know. Under the frame i wrote
with sharpie "for Mark" after he passed. I almost didn't want to sell
it at all but now Marks bike rides trails all over the world much like
I think he would of liked to do.
my mind has a mind of its own.
I tell it to do one thing, it does another.
I’ve always known myself to be
rather obsessive.
now I feel like I have to chase
my brain down sometimes.
rationally I know
what I should think,
what I should do,
but then I do the opposite.
the distractions are so welcome
because they help me not to think
of mark.
but it doesn’t take long to remember.
and I want to remember.
I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.
today I cleaned out our closet.
a task I’ve been dreading over the
past months.
but it was a disaster
and couldn’t wait any longer.
before: see the necessity?
Maybe I’ll sew a quilt for Nolan,
maybe even one for myself
of Mark’s favorite clothing.
most of his shirts are well-worn
and incredibly soft.
@ the conference
I promised myself i
would organize the closet
within a few weeks.
glad it’s done. (mostly)
knowing that the clothes
are just going out to the garage
makes it easier.
during: closet barf all over my bed
nothing smelled like mark.
at first I was relieved,
but then a bit frustrated.
I thought maybe my stuffed up
nose was to blame.
but then, I found mark’s deodorant. wow!
it was so refreshing
and reminded me
of cozying up next to him
at the end of the day.
I spent the weekend in San Diego at a conference for widows. The entire concept made me nervous for a couple reasons. For one it’s for widows. I didn’t know what to expect. How many people would be there? Could I relate to them? Would I be the youngest? And second because I’m a major introvert. Conferences are not my thing. I like to meet people, but I hate the work involved in meeting them. I am still the same shy girl that I was in kindergarten.
It was not a room full of gray heads. There weren’t canes and walkers being pushed about. This was a room full of everyday women, young and old, and even some men. Introductions typically went like this, “Hi, I’m so and so. So how did your husband die?” It was strange. Heartbreaking. Young or old their stories were touching. I didn’t hear a single story of someone dying of old age. They were mostly healthy people dying of tragic accidents in everyday situations, heart issues or blood clots. And all sudden.
I hoped that the sessions would not be interactive. But, of course, first session, first words muttered were “This will be an interactive class.” I wanted to run for the door. Every introverted fiber in my body froze. Even though I wanted to run, I didn’t. It would be too obvious.
Lunch came, and with it the resource expo. Many authors were at the tables selling their books. I was tempted to buy each one. Also an organization that I like to support was there- The Liz Logelin Foundation. They financially support widow/ers who’ve lost their loved ones and need some extra help. Simple concept, great impact.
Once the sessions ended I went for a short walk along the marina. A perfect place to unwind. Time to get ready for the dinner, so I skipped the elevator and its ceaseless traffic jam, instead climbing up many, many stairs to get to my 9th floor hotel room. Leisurely got ready and finally headed back down to dinner.
At last, some comic relief. One of the speakers at dinner was hilarious. If only the whole day had been like it. You know, like traffic school. Nobody wants traffic school, but if it’s comedy traffic school then it makes it bearable. After the weight of everything from the day, I desperately needed to laugh.
Making laughing my new official favorite hobby. Forget sewing, hiking, reading. So if you have a joke, or really anything that will make me laugh don’t hold back.
After dinner I went with some friends up to the lounge at the top of the Hyatt. What an amazing view. Finally felt like I could be more myself talking with some friends as a smaller group. Wonderful.
Crashed out with overly optimistic hopes of waking early to do the 5K walk with everyone. Didn’t make it. Slept in. The bed was perfect. It rivals the Westin beds and even my own bed @ home.
I planned to spend the entire day in San Diego. But almost as soon as I opened my eyes I was looking forward to being home with Nolan. Left the hotel with grand plans of going to GasLamp Quarteror Balboa Park and jetted to the freeway to come home instead. I am glad I did. Here’s how the rest of the day went:
Holding my brand new
nephew this week
has been soothing.
Looking at his sweet
little face reminds me
of Nolan at that age.
I remember the complexity of having
a newborn. Just starting out.
The stress,
the joy all
wrapped into one
exhausting moment
called
baby’s first year.
Weird that
it really doesn’t get easier.
Every stage has been
amazing.
I love watching
Nolan grow.
(I admit potty training
was complete torture).
But the whole
idea of raising my son,
is to one day have
him independent of me.
Instead of a cooing baby I have
an inquisitive little man
to teach life to.
But what am I aiming for?
College is not my focus.
I’m not raising him to become wealthy and care for me
in my old age.
Wealth, fame, no thanks.
Having eyes that see,
ears that hear,
and a heart that understands is success.
When Mark died
I worried what Nolan
would think of God.
I held him
outside the hospital,
and told him that his daddy wasn’t doing well,
and that he was going to die.
He cried,
and through his tears asked
“But can’t Jesus fix him?”
It was so hard to tell
Nolan that yes, He could,
but He doesn’t always.
That’s not easy
for me to swallow.
But Nolan
seemed to get it.
It reminds me that Jesus
said
to come to Him
with the faith of a child.
Nolan’s faith is questioning, believing, and hoping.
I bet he gets it
a lot more than
I give him credit for.
As he grows
my hope is that he
can understand,
hear, and see
through the complexities
of life. And
to succeed in
the most important
of life ambitions— knowing God.
That just like his dad,
one day he will say
“To know God is to know life”
My mom and Nolan went to the beach today
and I had time to myself before hanging out with Case.
I took flowers to the grave,
sat awhile,
and walked a bit looking at
the headstones. In the car,
this song came on the radio.
It reminded me of a couple things.
Well first it reminded me of
the phone call I received
the afternoon of December 12.
Maybe one day I can describe
it more fully.
That was the call that changed my world.
Secondly
it reminded me that each day
someone in the world
receives a life-altering
phone call.
Alright, so how to be real?
This is a delicate balance.
It’s hard because by being open I
may illicit a bunch of comments
and phone calls of encouragement.
But it’s not my goal.
I simply want to be real.
Just not pathetic.
What it is is that
I see how lonely
this road will be. Army or none
it will be lonely.
Even with a house full
I find that I can feel
just as alone as
on a quiet Friday night.
I still space sometimes.
In the boredom, as I’m waiting for something,
I catch myself scrolling to Mark’s name
in my contact list to
call him.
I just want to check in.
Tell him good morning,
good night. Share with him about
the latest crazy
thing Nolan
has said or the most recent family
drama. Hear him breathing.
Six months gone by
and his absence grows
more and more
painful. Only God is going
to carry me through this.
God knew one day
I’d be here.
Actually no. He knew
I would be here today.
He’s been preparing me
for this moment. Given me the exact
friends,
the precise family.
It’s gotten quieter,
but maybe that is part of something
God’s trying to do in me.
So I will rely on Him.
Why don’t I cry
at normal times?
It is either
the least convenient moment,
or the most irrational circumstance.
The scent of hand sanitizer
got me today.
Plans falling through
got me today too.
I feel like such a baby.
Even better, speaking of babies,
my little sis gave birth to
my new nephew Julien,
at 12:35am this morning.
Julien weighs 9 pounds, 12 ounces!
Wow. Now that
would
have been something
to cry about.
He is healthy,
cute,
and we all adore him.
Folding laundry tonight
it donned on me.
One of the random revelations
I get in my day to day. Not like I haven’t been doing
the laundry for the past five+ months.
Maybe I’ve even thought
it before.
But I realized it. It hit me.
I’m not folding his clothes.
Mark’s clothes aren’t in the laundry pile.
There are still in the closet.
Along with all my stuff thrown about.
Sometimes as I reach in to search for a shoe,
I will brush up against
Mark’s jacket
hanging in the closet.
It’s quite possibly the softest material made.
Reminds me of him wearing it. When my hands were cold
as they so often are
I’d like to wrap my arms around him inside his jacket
and touch his back with my frozen fingers.
He would jerk away belt out this
ridiculously contagious high pitched laugh
and would maybe, just maybe let me keep
them there to get warm.
A great celebration. For Josh’s 30th, Casey planned a citywide scavenger hunt. She had a story for each stop. From where Josh asked Casey’s dad before proposing, where Josh had his car accident, the high school they met at, and even his old favorite skateboard spot. We all had fun. And our team barely won. (Sorry David & Robyn) Grand prize- Starbucks gift cards. Thanks Case!
Someone asked
what the most
helpful
thing anyone
has done
or said.
That’s a tough one.
Because
people have
amazed me
with
their kindness.
Of everything
the number one was
just
being there.
In the hospital,
it was a waiting room full of family,
friends, Mark’s coworkers, my coworkers.
All sitting around.
Being helpless with me.
A couple from church,
that I never had met,
brought their RV to the parking lot,
so that I could be with Nolan and
be right there for Mark.
Online,
it’s been those who keep praying, who keep reading, listening to me gripe,
preach, confess,
brag about my awesome kid.
Since I’ve been home,
it’s been the company,
the sleepovers,
the help,
the texts in the middle of the night,
the home cooked meals that just kept coming,
the generosity of everyone.
They also asked if there was something I would have
liked more of.
If anything, just to know Mark’s grave is visited.
Throughout our marriage we would go through
phases of recurring arguments.
Exactly one year ago
we were fighting about the latest.
Mark was planning
a backpacking trip.
I was welcome to join in.
I just didn’t want to leave Nolan
for this trip.
So it wasn’t that.
It was that he wanted to go for five days.
I thought that was too long.
And wanted him to shorten
it to four days. Save one day so we could
use it for family time. We went back and forth. Correction. I went back and forth.
He remained constant.
Five days it would be.
And it was so stressful to me.
I hated to be apart.
I still hate to be apart.
But I just did not understand
how he could so easily be apart.
We talked about that.
He said that I could have a turn
of my own and plan a girls trip.
But that’s not what I wanted.
I just wanted to be together.
As much as possible. Always. Mark explained.
In a way he’s never explained before.
He said that he misses us,
but he enjoys being out there so much,
that it makes the time away worth it.
And then once we are back together
it’s that much more sweet.
I think of him in heaven.
And I like to put it in terms of him
being away on one of his adventures.
So I’ve been going to a Bible study. The hearty kind.
Verse by verse.
Chapter by chapter.
It’s like a Thanksgiving feast every week.
But I keep leaving stuffed. Instead of a stomach ache
I leave with my head spinning. Full of information.
I take notes.
During the study all these ideas are coming to mind.
Great points that really are relevant
to my life
to where I’m at today.
But then I leave.
And it’s just so much.
Same thing at church on Sunday.
I go thinking
if I just get one thing out of it today
then that will be more than enough to work on
for the day, week, month, year, lifetime.
Then I hear the message
and there’s so much more than one thing.
Then it’s a struggle to even remember one thing.
I keep meaning to go back to my notes.
But just haven’t.
So tonight I’m hoping to actually do that.
And let all that good information
be digested
and put to use.
Organized sports have not been Nolan’s thing. As much as he likes to play baseball, at the last minute he decided not to sign up last season. My friend Mandy’s husband is CBU’s baseball coach, and they invited Nolan to join in on their camp this summer and have fun learning more about the game. The kids’ coaches were past & present CBU players.
At first Nolan was pretty nervous about camp, and he even threw up before we went one morning. He decided to pray about it and after that mornings were much less dramatic. Midweek they pulled out an enormous tarp and let the kids (old & young) play on it like a huge slip n slide. The coaches seemed to be having just as much fun with it as the kids.
It was a terrific camp, the coaches were amazing with the kids, and in the end Nolan had a very tiring but fun week!
When I was 17
I babysat a little boy.
His mom worked at a grocery store
so sometimes the hours were late.
I had fallen asleep on their couch.
A little before midnight she came home nudged me awake
and I emerged into the cool spring night.
Slid into my parents’ new minivan.
Turned on the radio
to soothing night sounds.
And cranked up the heater.
A couple blocks went by
and as I came to a stop sign
I rested my head against the head rest
and released my foot from the gas.
In the blink of an eye
I was coughing from some type of smoke.
Through the haze I was starting to make sense
of the noise in my head.
I rushed to get out of the van
Worried that it was going to explode Not knowing what the smoke was.
Then realizing it was the deflated air bag.
I had crashed into a cement light pole
knocking it down crushing the passenger side
of the vehicle.
Realizing I hadn’t died
but my mom would surely kill me.
I still think back to this day
and realize that my life could so
easily have ended at that point.
That could have been it.
There are probably so many circumstances
like this in each of our lives.
Some that we recognize.
Others that we will never know of.
But the fact is
none of us are even promised tomorrow.
Right now the idea of a 5-year plan is a joke to me.
Because who really knows.
I remember on our honeymoon
driving home from Colorado
through the snow looking out of the window
at the train passing by
and thinking
this could be it
we could have an accident
and that would be our whole marriage. The honeymoon.
Every day I had with Mark
was a gift from God to me.
To share my life with Mark,
to be the one he shared his with,
is a gift.
I realize that God let me be Mark’s wife
for a reason.
He knew that Mark only had 31 years,
and maybe I won’t have a long life
or maybe I will
but I don’t want to take this time for granted.
I wasn’t sure how it would be
to be up in the mountains on Father’s Day.
It ended up being refreshing.
Nolan kept up with us
and hiked on his own
with very little complaint.
Three miles. That’s a long way for little legs.
We all had fun.
Our love story
began with friendship.
Mark and I met
at school.
He dated
my best friend for about a month or two.
He always insisted it was just a few weeks.
But it was high school, it was summer,
and time was moving slower. After that ended
Mark and I continued being friends.
We had Disneyland passes
and we would go at least a couple times
a week with a group of our friends.
At summer camp we were together a lot.
And I went camping with his family that summer.
We sat on a log under the stars
and just opened up
about our lives. Our hopes.
Just a week or so later he so eloquently told me
“I think I like you.”
That’s always been so funny to me
that he told me in such an uncertain way. Because our relationship seemed
pretty certain early on.
September 21 was our first date.
We went skating, and then
got icees and drove up to the top of a hill
near where his grandma lived at the time.
There I was sitting beside him,
looking at the city lights,
and we were talking about God.
We did that a lot. Less than a month later
I turned 16.
Mark took me to Big Bear for my
birthday.
I remember being so nervous thinking he was going to try to kiss me.
I kept looking away.
Trying to avoid it.
But he finally caught up with me
in a little shop in Big Bear.
It’s hard to describe
the connection with Mark.
But I always knew I would
marry him if he would ask me.
And he was pretty certain too.
For my birthday his gift to me
was a new Bible
with only my first name
imprinted on it just in case
my last name would be changing.
So here’s today’s version of my testimony. I feel like there’s so much more to it, all those details, but I don’t want to make it too lengthy. Even if I were to rewrite it next week, or even tomorrow it would probably be a bit different. Most of all, because of this day I was given an amazing gift. Hope. And that is what I cling to and the one thing I could not live without.
There was more to life.
I knew it.
Now looking back I see how God was getting my attention.
But at the time I felt lost.
And I was searching without realizing that’s what I was doing.
I grew up going to church on the holidays.
Always believing in God.
It’s hard to boil everything down to make a quick synopsis
of becoming a Christian. I guess I still am becoming one.
Because really I now look back and see God pulling on me
over time.
It was like He was waking me up.
And over time there were those moments
where I thought of Him.
But on January 11, 1995 I really caught a glimpse. I was 15.
My best friend and I were returning from our lunchtime stroll.
As we came back to our friends at the table
I remember hearing them say
“Don’t tell us we’re going to hell.”
That caught my attention.
There were a couple new guys talking with them.
So we joined them and soon enough
it was just the two of us listening to this guy, a senior,
telling us about Jesus.
It was new to me.
I don’t remember exactly what he was saying.
All I remember
and I can still picture today
is watching his mouth speak of
a wonderful love.
Something so real.
I could see on his face,
in his smile,
and I had to know more.
There we stood, on the quad,
at Arlington High
listening to him talk
for two hours.
Missed both fifth and sixth periods.
Standing out in the rain.
Not a soul interrupted us.
No campus supervisors to check our pass (a miracle in itself).
And then the bell rang to go home.
He asked if we wanted to pray.
And in my head
over and over again
I kept saying
“No I don’t want to pray.”
“Don’t pray.”
But nevertheless we prayed.
I didn’t magically feel changed.
Maybe a bit perplexed.
And he invited us to join him at bible study that night.
So when he didn’t arrive to give us a ride
we considered just not going,
But we got a ride from our parents.
And from there it was a process.
It’s still such a process.
Initially certain things changed pretty rapidly.
My language.
Actually it’s funny because Nolan was just asking me
and talking to me about if I used bad words when
I was a teenager.
And I explained to him how I used to.
(Oh man this is probably just the beginning of these conversations!)
But really after this point
I know that God grabbed on to me.
And as I walk along this road of trying to follow Him
I just realize more and more that
I’m a walking contradiction.
A hypocrite.
But there’s no other way to be a Christian.
I mean we are called to be like Jesus.
Jesus. He was and is perfect.
So I’m realizing that every Sunday I meet up
with a group like myself,
a collection of hypocrites.
I keep singing out words that
I hope to live up to.
I sing on Sunday about how I want to be used by God.
And it’s like I’m praying to want that.
But really I think
that each day you wake up
you have a decision.
And that is
“Do you want to live for Christ today?”
It doesn’t mean doing something dramatic or crazy.
But for me it’s just a perspective. A choice.
A reason to live. To hope.
Because my hope is to show His love to others
much like it was shown to me that rainy January day.
Thanks for sharing your questions.
It reminded me of what Mark
had said about me
at our wedding.
We each were tasked
with communicating what we liked about each other.
Among other things, I talked about Mark’s
love for adventure and patience.
He talked about my clean hair
and not to ask my opinion unless you want it.
Everyone laughed. He must have been right.
But I usually keep my opinion to myself unless someone asks. Then I’ll share. I guess that’s what he meant.
And now that I know what you are wondering,
I have a few things to share.
Give me the next week or so
to respond. Thank you.
Last week I attended
a women’s conference at Harvest.
There was so much to encourage
but the smallest comment
has continually provided encouragement
as I’ve thought of it since.
It was regarding the book of Ruth in the Old Testament of the Bible.
Ruth is the story of a widow.
But what stood out to me is
that there are no visions, no angels, no words from the Lord
in the book of Ruth.
Instead it’s just an ordinary story.
That is so helpful to me.
Because since Mark died I’ve felt
like I should be hearing from God.
Feeling Him more than ever.
That I should know the direction He’s giving me.
To be able to say He told me this or that.
But for me, hearing this was a reminder
to hear from God I can simply read my Bible.
I’m mesmerized with the realization that
there is a single book
that can speak to every aspect of my life.
Celebrating our son’s birthday without Mark felt so wrong.
From the very first moment
we knew we were pregnant
we were in it together.
And so as I gathered pictures for
Nolan’s birthday post,
I stumbled upon some more of
Mark’s letters and cards.
They say so much. This is part of a card Mark
gave me for my 22nd birthday.
He bought me a blank card
and filled it with his words.
He says he doesn’t feel words are adequate
for a happy birthday wish.
Many times I don’t have the words.
I think of Nolan
and how much Mark would want
to wish these same things to him. And that Mark would
want to tell Nolan
how much he loves him, but even
more to be here with him, watching him talk, or laugh or sleep.
I like to remind Nolan how much
his Dad loves him
since he can’t tell him himself.
Angie-
What words could ever express my joy, as we celebrate yet another year of your life together…. It seems vain to attempt to stir up words to find a proper sentence to wish you a happy b-day. The day you came into the world. The day you began to exist…. I would rather be with you, watching you talk, or laugh or sleep. No words spoken or written can compare to the actual experience of living a happy b-day. And so, as you continue on this special day, remember to stop. Think about the Unseen Reality, think about your friends and family that love you. Take this day over, because you can, because you are special. Angie, what I am trying to say is that I know that I love you and only wish the best for you everyday of your life.
I can’t sing. Really, it’s bad.
But I do sometimes. In the car.
Shower.
Doing the dishes.
Church (very, very quietly).
And when I tuck Nolan in to bed. Tonight I sang several songs while
he rested his sleepy head on my lap
and I played with his baby soft hair. Snoring began, so I was moving him.
He squirmed, eyes closed, and asked
if I could just sing him Amazing Grace again.
And once I finished the first verse,
he was out for good.
If I haven’t said it before, I love to vacation.
That’s something that Mark and I shared.
Nolan loves it too.
So this week Nolan and I were at it alone.
Well, not really alone.
We joined Mark’s cousin Troy, Melissa & baby Jackson.
And we stayed with family in Washington.
Do you know the feeling of
taking a child to Disneyland for the first time?
It’s like you are seeing it all again
for the first time through their eyes.
So much of the joy and excitement
that I would feel about a beautiful
landscape would be because I knew
how much Mark was loving it.
And this trip, seeing it on my own
Was like going to a kid movie without a kid.
Or maybe for you guys, seeing a chick flick
without a chick.
And as much as I enjoy a beautiful view
it’s as if every magnificent mountain
or breathtaking view was made for Mark.
He just loves it that much.
On the ferry to Victoria, Canada
I saw it.
It was like a gift.
Perfectly packaged between incredible islands,
snow capped mountains, and a glassy ocean was
the most beautiful view I’ve ever seen.
It’s like it belonged to me
in some small way.
I guess because I couldn’t see it
through Mark’s eyes this time.
But I must say
it was spectacular.
On Wednesday Nolan & I hung out with the little Angulos.
After taking the three kiddos to the Imagination Workshop in Temecula, we ventured to lunch at Wendy’s.
As we walked through the door, I asked Nolan and Caleb to walkquietly and find us a table.
So there they go, running, yelling, arguing over which table to sit at.
Nolan picked the table and Caleb insisted it was the wrong one.
There I am on the other side of the restaurant, in line with baby Jo, thinking now what do I do? Leave the line? Glare from across the room? Pretend to be looking for the adult in charge? So I stayed in line. By then the boys had moved on to pounding the salt and pepper shakers into each other.
Just then someone a couple people ahead of me in line caught my attention. His clothing was outdoorsy, mainly he was wearing those type of pants that zip off into shorts. Mark had some of those. I started to think of him.
And in that very instant, there was Nolan by my side. “Mom are you ok?” he asked.
I hadn’t even realized that I was thinking of Mark,
that I had become sad,
or that there was an expression of sadness on my face.
But Nolan, in the midst of the madness, could read my expression from across that noisy restaurant and was there by my side.
Five years ago today we miscarried. After two weeks of bed rest and multiple trips to the doctor, nothing could be done. At fifteen weeks pregnant, I gave birth to a very tiny little boy. And so he came into the world much too early and left it so quickly.
Life wasn’t turning out the way we planned. We named him Michael James. James came from Mark’s dad and Michael from my dad who had just died of a brain tumor the year before.
After Michael was buried, we escaped to visit our good friends in Arizona.
Visiting with Brad & Amy Jensen
I remember as we drove into Phoenix, looking out the window at the desert landscape and bare mountains, and talking with Mark about the possibility of more children. Fear is what I remember most as we talked. Worry that it could happen again. We could lose another baby.
Yet a couple years later we would once again be in the same boat. In September 2006 we miscarried at fifteen weeks pregnant. This time we did not have a name picked out. Mark and I decided to write down five names each and we would choose the name that we both listed. That’s how we decided on Ezekiel.
The hurt the second time around was different. That time we couldn’t really talk it out. We couldn’t cry.
It was too overwhelming.
Every person that you are blessed with to love,
you are also cursed to lose or be lost by.
Job’s perspective is what I want: To realize that we came into this world naked, we leave naked. God gives and takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
I hope that will sink into my core. That it would resonate throughout my life, my mourning, and my joys. I want to be blessing God’s name for letting me love and be loved in this life. For letting me have Mark for a time, to be his wife, even to have Michael and Ezekiel for so brief a time.
traffic
found Rockefeller Center.
to scare,
Nolan was delightfully free 
a tired mom and a grumpy boy.
hiking back.
hiking there.
flowers on the grave.
we are within
Music is therapy.
From the outside
life (death)
It feels like this month has
I feel like such a baby.
Celebrating our son’s birthday
He lost his Dad, his security.
