Army or None

Alright, so how to be real?
This is a delicate balance.
It’s hard because by being open I
may illicit a bunch of comments
and phone calls of encouragement.
But it’s not my goal.
I simply want to be real.
Just not pathetic.
What it is is that
I see how lonely
this road will be.
Army or none
it will be lonely.
Even with a house full
I find that I can feel
just as alone as
on a quiet Friday night.
I still space sometimes.
In the boredom, as I’m
waiting for something,
I catch myself scrolling to
Mark’s name
in my contact list to
call him.
I just want to check in.
Tell him good morning,
good night.
Share with him about
the latest crazy
thing Nolan
has said or the
most recent family
drama. Hear him breathing.
Six months gone by
and his absence grows
more and more
painful.
Only God is going
to carry me through this.
God knew one day
I’d be here.
Actually no. He knew
I would be here today.
He’s been preparing me
for this moment.
Given me the exact
friends,
the precise family.
It’s gotten quieter,
but maybe that is part
of something
God’s trying to do
in me.
So I will rely
on Him.

Speaking of Babies

Why don’t I cry
at normal times?
It is either
the least convenient moment,
or the most irrational circumstance.
The scent of
hand sanitizer
got me today.
Plans falling through
got me today too.

I feel like such a baby.
Even better, speaking of babies,
my little sis gave birth to
my new nephew
Julien,
at 12:35am
this morning.
Julien weighs
9 pounds, 12 ounces!

Wow. Now that
would
have been something
to cry about.
He is healthy,
cute,
and we all adore him.

Six Months = Half a Year

I keep myself busy with all sorts of things.

Movies. Books. Music. Travel.

Friends. Family. Internet. Church.

The list goes on and on.

It’s an escape.

It is nice not to think.

Instead to focus on

someone else’s life.

It scares me to consider

who I’ve lost.

Not only what I’ve lost-my husband.

But the who.

Mark.

Who he is.

And that he is gone.

I am so afraid

of that.

I wanted to help.

To make him better.

To save him.

Our life.

Future.

Family.

I still can’t believe

it.

Six months later.

Half a year.

Shock.

This can’t be real.

My Baby Boy

Nolan is growing.

And quickly.

Getting taller,

His adult teeth

have now made their

grand appearance.

My baby boy

is now my boy.

Tonight I found out

he knows

more than I thought.

And so we had

a 7 year old version

of the talk.

I hadn’t planned for this.

Totally taken by surprise.

But really, I better prepare

myself.

Soon enough

he will be

8-9-10-11-12

13.

Oh 13-18 is scary.

I mean how long

can I take him

in the womens

restroom?

Very soon the tables

will turn and he

will be asking me

for privacy.

I wonder when the

day will come

that he doesn’t

want to snuggle.

And one day

he will actually

prefer to

sleep

in his own bed.

Jacket

The Jacket

Folding laundry tonight
it donned on me.
One of the random revelations
I get in my day to day.
Not like I haven’t been doing
the laundry for the past five+ months.
Maybe I’ve even thought
it before.
But I realized it.
It hit me.
I’m not folding his clothes.
Mark’s clothes aren’t in the laundry pile.
There are still in the closet.
Along with all my stuff thrown about.
Sometimes as I reach in to
search for a shoe,
I will brush up against
Mark’s jacket
hanging in the closet.
It’s quite possibly the
softest material made.
Reminds me of him wearing it.
When my hands were cold
as they so often are
I’d like to wrap my arms around him
inside his jacket
and touch his back with my frozen fingers.
He would jerk away
belt out this
ridiculously contagious
high pitched laugh
and would maybe, just maybe
let me keep
them there to get warm.

Georgia Friends

Heather came back to CA
for a visit, and stayed at our house,
along with her three
little ones,
Sohaila, Seanna, & Losiah.

Nolan hadn’t seen them
in two years,
but they played together
as if
it was yesterday.
Nice.
Wish Georgia was closer.

Citywide Scavenger Hunt

A great celebration. For Josh’s 30th, Casey planned a citywide scavenger hunt. She had a story for each stop. From where Josh asked Casey’s dad before proposing, where Josh had his car accident, the high school they met at, and even his old favorite skateboard spot. We all had fun. And our team barely won. (Sorry David & Robyn) Grand prize- Starbucks gift cards.  Thanks Case!

There

Someone
asked
what the
most
helpful
thing
anyone
has done
or said.

That’s a
tough one.
Because
people
have
amazed me
with
their
kindness.

Of everything
the number one was
just
being
there.

In the hospital,
it was a waiting room full of family,
friends, Mark’s coworkers,
my coworkers.
All sitting around.
Being helpless with me.
A couple from church,
that I never had met,
brought their RV to the parking lot,
so that I could be with Nolan and
be right there for Mark.

Online,
it’s been those who keep praying,
who keep reading,
listening to me gripe,
preach,
confess,
brag about my awesome kid.

Since I’ve been home,
it’s been the company,
the sleepovers,
the help,
the texts in the middle of the night,
the home cooked meals that just kept coming,
the generosity of everyone.

They also asked if there
was something I would have
liked more of.

If anything, just to know Mark’s grave is visited.

Thank you all.

Recurring Argument

Mark's Backpacking Trip Last Summer

Throughout our marriage
we would go through
phases of recurring arguments.
Exactly one year ago
we were fighting
about the latest.
Mark was planning
a backpacking trip.
I was welcome to join in.
I just didn’t want to leave Nolan
for this trip.
So it wasn’t that.
It was that he wanted to go for five days.
I thought that was too long.
And wanted him to shorten
it to four days.
Save one day so we could
use it for family time.
We went back and forth.
Correction.
I went back and forth.
He remained constant.
Five days it would be.
And it was so stressful to me.
I hated to be apart.
I still hate to be apart.
But I just did not understand
how he could so easily be apart.
We talked about that.
He said that I could have a turn
of my own and plan a girls trip.
But that’s not what I wanted.

I just wanted to be together.

As much as possible. Always.
Mark explained.
In a way he’s never explained before.
He said that he misses us,
but he enjoys being out there so much,
that it makes the time away worth it.
And then once we are back together
it’s that much more sweet.
I think of him in heaven.
And I like to put it in terms of him
being away on one of his
adventures.

Spinning

So I’ve been going to a Bible study.
The hearty kind.
Verse by verse.
Chapter by chapter.
It’s like a Thanksgiving feast every week.
But I keep leaving stuffed.
Instead of a stomach ache
I leave with my head spinning.
Full of information.
I take notes.
During the study all these ideas
are coming to mind.
Great points that really are relevant
to my life
to where I’m at today.
But then I leave.
And it’s just so much.
Same thing at church on Sunday.
I go thinking
if I just get one thing out of it today
then that will be more than enough to
work on
for the day, week, month, year, lifetime.
Then I hear the message
and there’s so much more than one thing.
Then it’s a struggle to even remember one thing.
I keep meaning to go back to my notes.
But just haven’t.
So tonight I’m hoping to actually
do that.
And let all that good information
be digested
and put to use.

Baseball Camp @ CBU

Organized sports have not been Nolan’s thing.  As much as he likes to play baseball, at the last minute he decided not to sign up last season. My friend Mandy’s husband is CBU’s baseball coach, and they invited Nolan to join in on their camp this summer and have fun learning more about the game. The kids’ coaches were past & present CBU players.

At first Nolan was pretty nervous about camp, and he even threw up before we went one morning. He decided to pray about it and after that mornings were much less dramatic. Midweek they pulled out an enormous tarp and let the kids (old & young) play on it like a huge slip n slide.  The coaches seemed to be having just as much fun with it as the kids.

It was a terrific camp, the coaches were amazing with the kids, and in the end Nolan had a very tiring but fun week!  

5 Year Plan

When I was 17
I babysat a little boy.
His mom worked at a grocery store
so sometimes the hours were late.
I had fallen asleep on their couch.
A little before midnight she came home
nudged me awake
and I emerged into the cool spring night.
Slid into my parents’ new minivan.
Turned on the radio
to soothing night sounds.
And cranked up the heater.
A couple blocks went by
and as I came to a stop sign
I rested my head
against the head rest
and released my foot from the gas.
In the blink of an eye
I was coughing from some type of smoke.
Through the haze I was starting to make sense
of the noise in my head.
I rushed to get out of the van
Worried that it was going to explode
Not knowing what the smoke was.
Then realizing it was the deflated air bag.
I had crashed into a cement light pole
knocking it down crushing the passenger side
of the vehicle.
Realizing I hadn’t died
but my mom would surely kill me.
I still think back to this day
and realize that my life could so
easily have ended at that point.
That could have been it.
There are probably so many circumstances
like this in each of our lives.
Some that we recognize.
Others that we will never know of.
But the fact is
none of us are even promised tomorrow.
Right now the idea of a 5-year plan is a joke to me.
Because who really knows.
I remember on our honeymoon
driving home from Colorado
through the snow
looking out of the window
at the train passing by
and thinking
this could be it
we could have an accident
and that would be our whole marriage.
The honeymoon.
Every day I had with Mark
was a gift from God to me.
To share my life with Mark,
to be the one he shared his with,
is a gift.
I realize that God let me be Mark’s wife
for a reason.
He knew that Mark only had 31 years,
and maybe I won’t have a long life
or maybe I will
but I don’t want to take this time
for granted.

New Tradition

I wasn’t sure how it would be
to be up in the mountains
on Father’s Day.
It ended up being refreshing.
Nolan kept up with us
and hiked on his own
with very little complaint.

Three miles. That’s a long way for little legs.
We all had fun.

It may become a tradition.

First Name Only

Our love story
began with friendship.
Mark and I met
at school.
He dated
my best friend for about a month or two.
He always insisted it was just a few weeks.
But it was high school,
it was summer,
and time was moving slower.
After that ended
Mark and I continued being friends.
We had Disneyland passes
and we would go at least a couple times
a week with a group of our friends.
At summer camp we were together a lot.
And I went camping with his family
that summer.
We sat on a log under the stars
and just opened up
about our lives. Our hopes.
Just a week or so later
he so eloquently told me
“I think I like you.”
That’s always been so funny to me
that he told me in such an uncertain way.
Because our relationship seemed
pretty certain early on.
September 21 was our first date.
We went skating, and then
got icees and drove up to the top of a hill
near where his grandma lived at the time.
There I was sitting beside him,
looking at the city lights,
and we were talking about God.
We did that a lot.
Less than a month later
I turned 16.
Mark took me to Big Bear for my
birthday.
I remember being so nervous thinking he was going to
try to kiss me.
I kept looking away.
Trying to avoid it.
But he finally caught up with me
in a little shop in Big Bear.
It’s hard to describe
the connection with Mark.
But I always knew I would
marry him if he would ask me.
And he was pretty certain too.
For my birthday his gift to me
was a new Bible
with only my first name
imprinted on it
just in case
my last name would be changing.

It’s His Day

summer 2008 @ air show

Father’s Day.

I can’t shake the

“he should be here”

feeling.

It’s his day.

Since he isn’t here for us to

remind him once again how

much we love him, we are

going to do what he loves best.

Get out in nature, go for a hike,

and enjoy our family.

But missing him so much today.

A Wonderful Love

So here’s today’s version of my testimony. I feel like there’s so much more to it, all those details, but I don’t want to make it too lengthy. Even if I were to rewrite it next week, or even tomorrow it would probably be a bit different. Most of all, because of this day I was given an amazing gift. Hope. And that is what I cling to and the one thing I could not live without.

 

There was more to life.

I knew it.

Now looking back I see how God was getting my attention.

But at the time I felt lost.

And I was searching without realizing that’s what I was doing.

I grew up going to church on the holidays.

Always believing in God.

It’s hard to boil everything down to make a quick synopsis

of becoming a Christian. I guess I still am becoming one.

Because really I now look back and see God pulling on me

over time.

It was like He was waking me up.

And over time there were those moments

where I thought of Him.

But on January 11, 1995 I really caught a glimpse. I was 15.

My best friend and I were returning from our lunchtime stroll.

As we came back to our friends at the table

I remember hearing them say

“Don’t tell us we’re going to hell.”

That caught my attention.

There were a couple new guys talking with them.

So we joined them and soon enough

it was just the two of us listening to this guy, a senior,

telling us about Jesus.

It was new to me.

I don’t remember exactly what he was saying.

All I remember

and I can still picture today

is watching his mouth speak of

a wonderful love.

Something so real.

I could see on his face,

in his smile,

and I had to know more.

There we stood, on the quad,

at Arlington High

listening to him talk

for two hours.

Missed both fifth and sixth periods.

Standing out in the rain.

Not a soul interrupted us.

No campus supervisors to check our pass (a miracle in itself).

And then the bell rang to go home.

He asked if we wanted to pray.

And in my head

over and over again

I kept saying

“No I don’t want to pray.”

“Don’t pray.”

But nevertheless we prayed.

I didn’t magically feel changed.

Maybe a bit perplexed.

And he invited us to join him at bible study that night.

So when he didn’t arrive to give us a ride 

we considered just not going,

But we got a ride from our parents.

And from there it was a process.

It’s still such a process.

Initially certain things changed pretty rapidly.

My language.

Actually it’s funny because Nolan was just asking me

and talking to me about if I used bad words when

I was a teenager.

And I explained to him how I used to.

(Oh man this is probably just the beginning of these conversations!)

But really after this point

I know that God grabbed on to me.

And as I walk along this road of trying to follow Him

I just realize more and more that

I’m a walking contradiction.

A hypocrite.

But there’s no other way to be a Christian.

I mean we are called to be like Jesus.

Jesus. He was and is perfect.

So I’m realizing that every Sunday I meet up

with a group like myself,

a collection of hypocrites.

I keep singing out words that

I hope to live up to.

I sing on Sunday about how I want to be used by God.

And it’s like I’m praying to want that.

But really I think

that each day you wake up

you have a decision.

And that is

“Do you want to live for Christ today?”

It doesn’t mean doing something dramatic or crazy.

But for me it’s just a perspective. A choice.

A reason to live. To hope.

Because my hope is to show His love to others

much like it was shown to me that rainy January day.

 

…Three months later,

at lunch time once again,

this same senior

introduced me to an

exceptionally handsome junior

named

Mark

who had just

given his life

to Christ the week before.

 

Feb '96- A Year Later- @ Harvest Winter Camp

Clean Hair

Thanks for sharing your questions.
It reminded me of what Mark
had said about me
at our wedding.
We each were tasked
with communicating what we liked
about each other.
Among other things, I talked about Mark’s
love for adventure and patience.
He talked about my clean hair

and not to ask my opinion unless you want it.

Everyone laughed. He must have been right.

But I usually keep my opinion to myself
unless someone asks.
Then I’ll share. I guess that’s what he meant.
And now that I know what you are wondering,
I have a few things to share.
Give me the next week or so
to respond.  Thank you.

Late Nights

Often up late at night. Tonight is no exception.

It’s already almost 4 am and I’m still wide awake.

Just thought I’d check on the blog.

Yep not much has changed since I checked it

an hour ago.

The internet’s pretty quiet during these hours of the

early morning.

Sometimes I’ll run into my east coast friends waking

up bright & early- before I’ve even gone to bed.

So, good morning to you east coasters.

Well, I was just thinking about those of you who read this.

I’m trying to imagine myself in your shoes, which is hard

because not sure who all is reading this.

But I was just thinking if I was reading this blog, if there

would be some topic or question that I’d wonder about.

So if that’s you and you’ve got something for me to talk about,

or at least think about, please share it. I’m interested.

Maybe you’ll give me something to blog about in the wee hours of

the morning on yet another sleepless night.

Best Birthday Ever

Instead of a party for Nolan’s birthday this year,

we stayed at the Grand California Hotel- this was the view from our room!

Nolan wanted to dress like boy scouts at Disneyland on his birthday.

Nolan says it was the “best birthday ever”.

Nolan & Cousin Jake

A Single Book

Last week I attended
a women’s conference at Harvest.

There was so much to encourage
but the smallest comment
has continually provided encouragement
as I’ve thought of it since.

It was regarding the book of Ruth
in the Old Testament of the Bible.
Ruth is the story of a widow.
But what stood out to me is
that there are no visions,
no angels,
no words from the Lord
in the book of Ruth.

Instead it’s just an ordinary story.

That is so helpful to me.
Because since Mark died I’ve felt
like I should be hearing from God.
Feeling Him more than ever.
That I should know the direction He’s giving me.
To be able to say He told me this or that.

But for me, hearing this was a reminder
to hear from God I can simply read my Bible.

I’m mesmerized
with the realization that
there is a single book
that can speak to every aspect of my life.

Darjeeling

To wrap up
our Seattle trip
we had lunch and tea
at this terrific
tea house.

Nolan picked raspberry and
I ordered darjeeling tea.

I really ordered it because its name.
And as an added bonus
it was wonderful.

Space Needle

The good weather
we found while we were
in Seattle
provided us an amazing view
from the Space Needle.

Nolan was pretty tired
from the busy day.

And he was
especially tired of
me taking his picture.

But he’s too cute.

One Way to Get a Free Upgrade

About two years ago

Mark, Nolan and I got our passports.

We were hoping to go to Italy

this year in

celebration of our 10^th anniversary.

Mark never got to use his passport.

Nolan and I have stamps now

that we went to Canada.

Butchart Gardens

Our Morning Stroll

It’s fun making these incredible new memories

with Nolan.

He is a great traveler.

Ferry to Victoria, B.C.

It was a good trip.

Somewhat of an adventure.

After checking in to our hotel

I opened the hotel room door to find

a woman already in the room

and just coming out of the restroom.

Very awkward. It could have been much worse.

The bellman said

“First time I’ve experienced that.”

It was quite a show.

I apologized and stepped out.

And the hotel very kindly

upgraded our room to one

with a lovely view of the harbor.

Vacations are a mixed bag.

Amazing to get away,

see new sights, be together,

but just different doing it without Mark.

And it gets tougher

when I’m coming back home.

The last stretch of the car ride

or the airport terminal

Seeing others

reconnect with their loved ones.

Respect Your Mother Band

On our Seattle trip
we visited an interactive music museum
called the Experience Music Project.

Nolan named our band the Respect Your Mother Band
(he conveniently had just the right shirt).

Part of the museum
was an exhibit on Hatch Show Prints
which the grown ups really enjoyed.

The little ones
preferred the instruments
and especially the puppets
at the Jim Henson exhibit.

When Words Aren’t Enough

Celebrating our son’s birthday
without Mark felt so wrong.
From the very first moment
we knew we were pregnant
we were in it together.
And so as I gathered pictures for
Nolan’s birthday post,
I stumbled upon some more of
Mark’s letters and cards.
They say so much.
This is part of a card Mark
gave me for my 22nd birthday.
He bought me a blank card
and filled it with his words.
He says he doesn’t feel words are adequate
for a happy birthday wish.

Many times I don’t have the words.
I think of Nolan
and how much Mark would want
to wish these same things to him.
And that Mark would
want to tell Nolan
how much he loves him, but even
more to be here with him,
watching him talk, or laugh or sleep.
I like to remind Nolan how much
his Dad loves him
since he can’t tell him himself.

Angie-

What words could ever express my joy, as we celebrate yet another year of your life together…. It seems vain to attempt to stir up words to find a proper sentence to wish you a happy b-day. The day you came into the world. The day you began to exist…. I would rather be with you, watching you talk, or laugh or sleep. No words spoken or written can compare to the actual experience of living a happy b-day. And so, as you continue on this special day, remember to stop. Think about the Unseen Reality, think about your friends and family that love you. Take this day over, because you can, because you are special. Angie, what I am trying to say is that I know that I love you and only wish the best for you everyday of your life.

Love Mark

P.S. Thanks for being pregnant ☺

5 Months.

5 months since Mark died. A little past that actually.

I wish I had some coherent thought to share.

Some overarching theme to this month

to sum up how I’m doing.

How we’re doing.

Some encouragement.

A real sentiment. A bit of emotion.

But I feel dry.

I’m beginning to feel.

And my eyes are more open.

Never in my adult life have I not been a part of a couple.

At age 15 I started dating Mark.

And pretty much from that point we’ve been attached

at the hip.

So this month

has been more of that reality setting in.

I’m seeing

a different side of myself.

There are so many thoughts,

all fragments,

running through my mind.

I hope to piece some of them together.

To encourage.

Or just to be open.

Not sleeping so well.

Dreamed about Mark the other night.

In my dream I woke up and

this reality was all a dream.

Mark was alive.

He was right there next to me.

I told him that I had the

most horrible nightmare.

But then I woke up.

And that nightmare

is my reality.

S-e-v-e-n

Monday. June 8. 2009.

Nolan turns s-e-v-e-n (7) years old.  It’s also five months that we have been without Mark.

Thank you God for such a special little man.  There’s so much to love about him.

Here’s 7 reasons why Nolan is so special:

One. He loves to play.

Two. He is caring.

Three. He likes stories.

Four. He loves the outdoors.

Five. He makes me laugh. Daily.

Six. He has his own view of the world.

Seven. He loves to snuggle.

Amazing Grace

I can’t sing. Really, it’s bad.
But I do sometimes.
In the car.
Shower.
Doing the dishes.
Church (very, very quietly).
And when I tuck Nolan in to bed.
Tonight I sang several songs while
he rested his sleepy head on my lap
and I played with his baby soft hair.
Snoring began, so I was moving him.
He squirmed, eyes closed, and asked
if I could just sing him Amazing Grace again.
And once I finished the first verse,
he was out for good.

So thankful for an easy bedtime tonight.

For the First Time

If I haven’t said it before, I love to vacation.
That’s something that Mark and I shared.
Nolan loves it too.
So this week Nolan and I were at it alone.
Well, not really alone.
We joined Mark’s cousin Troy, Melissa & baby Jackson.
And we stayed with family in Washington.

Do you know the feeling of
taking a child to Disneyland for the first time?
It’s like you are seeing it all again
for the first time through their eyes.
So much of the joy and excitement
that I would feel about a beautiful
landscape would be because I knew
how much Mark was loving it.
And this trip, seeing it on my own
Was like going to a kid movie without a kid.
Or maybe for you guys, seeing a chick flick
without a chick.
And as much as I enjoy a beautiful view
it’s as if every magnificent mountain
or breathtaking view was made for Mark.
He just loves it that much.

On the ferry to Victoria, Canada
I saw it.
It was like a gift.
Perfectly packaged between incredible islands,
snow capped mountains, and a glassy ocean was
the most beautiful view
I’ve ever seen.
It’s like it belonged to me
in some small way.
I guess because I couldn’t see it
through Mark’s eyes this time.
But I must say
it was spectacular.

More vacation tales to come…

Favorite Memories

Thought I would share some good memories of my time with Mark.

We loved being on the go.  This weekend getaway to LA was one of my favorite dates.

Once again another good trip inspired by Travelzoo. Every Wednesday

I am excited to get their Top 20 delivered to my inbox.

I’d just returned from a conference where I stayed at the Westin in Long Beach.

Their beds were amazingly comfortable. So when I saw a deal at the Westin in LA,

we planned a quick weekend trip.

Such a great time.

Had dinner at a great Indian restaurant called  Electric Karma.

I’d always wanted to go to a restaurant like it.

Mark is laughing at the huge mural painted on the wall straight ahead of us. You’d have to go to understand.

We spent some time in Venice. I’d never been there.

And we spent hours laughing hysterically while watching The Office episodes on our laptop in the hotel.

It was an obsession.

On the way home we visited the Gamble House in Pasadena. My only regret of the weekend was that we

skipped the tour. Mark really wanted to go on it, but we didn’t wait for the next group. Said we’d do it next time.

Cardboard Box

Mark doesn’t like to see anything go to waste.

He seized the chance to make this box into a photo op.

Wendy’s

On Wednesday Nolan & I hung out with the little Angulos.

After taking the three kiddos to the Imagination Workshop in Temecula, we ventured to lunch at Wendy’s.

As we walked through the door, I asked Nolan and Caleb to walk quietly and find us a table.

So there they go, running, yelling, arguing over which table to sit at.

Nolan picked the table and Caleb insisted it was the wrong one.

There I am on the other side of the restaurant, in line with baby Jo, thinking now what do I do? Leave the line? Glare from across the room? Pretend to be looking for the adult in charge? So I stayed in line.  By then the boys had moved on to pounding the salt and pepper shakers into each other.

Just then someone a couple people ahead of me in line caught my attention. His clothing was outdoorsy, mainly he was wearing those type of pants that zip off into shorts.  Mark had some of those.  I started to think of him.

And in that very instant, there was Nolan by my side. “Mom are you ok?” he asked.

I hadn’t even realized that I was thinking of Mark,

that I had become sad,

or that there was an expression of sadness on my face.

But Nolan, in the midst of the madness, could read my expression from across that noisy restaurant and was there by my side.

Simple Things

It’s the simple things you miss most. Like holding hands in the car.

This one made me cry today.

Can’t Be

Thought I’d share this One Republic song with you- Stop & Stare.

I too have become what I can’t be. I love the words to this song.

Baby Michael

Five years ago today we miscarried. After two weeks of bed rest and multiple trips to the doctor, nothing could be done.  At fifteen weeks pregnant, I gave birth to a very tiny little boy. And so he came into the world much too early and left it so quickly.

Life wasn’t turning out the way we planned.  We named him Michael James.  James came from Mark’s dad and Michael from my dad who had just died of a brain tumor the year before.

After Michael was buried, we escaped to visit our good friends in Arizona.

 

Visiting with Brad & Amy Jensen

 

 

I remember as we drove into Phoenix, looking out the window at the desert landscape and bare mountains, and talking with Mark about the possibility of more children.  Fear is what I remember most as we talked. Worry that it could happen again. We could lose another baby.

Yet a couple years later we would once again be in the same boat. In September 2006 we miscarried at fifteen weeks pregnant. This time we did not have a name picked out. Mark and I decided to write down five names each and we would choose the name that we both listed. That’s how we decided on Ezekiel.

The hurt the second time around was different. That time we couldn’t really talk it out. We couldn’t cry. 

It was too overwhelming.

Every person that you are blessed with to love,

              you are also cursed to lose or be lost by.

Job’s perspective is what I want:  To realize that we came into this world naked, we leave naked. God gives and takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.
I hope that will sink into my core.  That it would resonate throughout my life, my mourning, and my joys. I want to be blessing God’s name for letting me love and be loved in this life. For letting me have Mark for a time, to be his wife, even to have Michael and Ezekiel for so brief a time.

Nolan’s Camp

A couple weeks ago, Nolan would go out each day to

this camp he made in our backyard.

He’d dress up in his boyscout shirt and bandana,

set his Indiana Jones hat on top of the kangaroo paw plant,

and rest under the shade of the two-foot baby orange tree.

May 8 – 4 Months Later

 This month’s been difficult. On many levels.

  I miss Mark’s warmth. In bed, I reach out

  to hold his hand. Just remembering

  the comfort in that.

 

 

 

  Being a single parent. Something I never could

  imagine. Trying to reassure Nolan of his safety.

  His world is upside down.

 

 

 

 

   He lost his Dad, his security.

 Reminding Nolan that God will

 keep him safe is difficult.

 

 

 

 

 

Nolan's photography skills

 

Nolan’s been my constant shadow.

And so the past few weeks have been

draining for me. I’m sure it’s

been draining for him as well.

 

 

 

 

Postponing Tree Dedication

Please pass the word:

Tree planting is being postponed.

We’ll dedicate the tree

later.

I hope everyone

will not be too

inconvenienced,

and hope that

having a free morning

on Saturday is

a good thing for you.

I am sorry for

the late notice.

My Worst Fear

it’s been said

it’s hard to read my blog

because I am living many people’s worst fear-

losing their husband

it was definitely

one of my worst fears too

but, honestly

not the worst of all

because I know where Mark is now

I think my worst fear of all is

losing a friend or a family member

who is uncertain

or undecided

or just who doesn’t want to

give up their life for Christ

because that’s what

this life

is all about

giving up your claim to this life

and gaining it back and then some

Weekend Getaway

For Casey’s 30th,

Denise, Casey and I decided to escape to the desert

Our Destination

for some relaxation

exercise

On our guided nature hike

sightseeing

bonding

It was a wonderful time

I fell in love with the desert

And to top it all off…Nolan enjoyed himself

while I was away.

So our first girls getaway

was a success!

Surreal

Heather Whittaker & Me

So Heather and I have been friends for awhile. We were pregnant at the same time with Nolan and her little lady Sohaila.  They are about six weeks apart.

A couple years ago she moved to Atlanta and this is my first time seeing her since. She’s in town for a few days and we spent a few hours today at the beach.

She was talking about how surreal it was for her when Mark had his accident. Because she wasn’t here to go to the hospital, see him injured, attend the funeral. Didn’t get those opportunities to process.

I realize that I am in that mode as well, but in my own way. Where it’s like I wasn’t there for all that even though I was.  A sort of out of body experience.

Maybe that’s why I feel detached. It’s like I have stepped away from myself.  As if I’m watching someone else living through this instead of me.

Makes me think of the Bible verse, “Lord when my heart is overwhelmed lead me to the rock that is higher than I”.

Thanks

Thank you’s are coming.

Griffith Park-Old LA Zoo

You all have been a tremendous help.

It is nice

to know

you are here

listening.

Some comment.

Some just listen.

I appreciate it.

Your generosity

is astounding.

Many have

sent

gifts, cards, flowers,

contributed

to the Lamberth

Memorial Fund.

Each note,

visit,

gift

has reminded me

that I’m not alone in this.

Many have

given their time.

Nolan, Caleb, & Moses at Disneyland

Luke, Nolan, Caleb, Michael & David Goofing Off

It is getting quieter.

Which is normal,

of course.

I’m not complaining.

Friends and family

are still here.

Nolan is

doing well.

Playing Crocodile Hunter in Bath

God is blessing me

in this time.

I’m numb.

I see it as God comforting me.

Like He is a

big bag of ice

on my aching heart.

But He

is providing.

Amazing news

is that

we won’t have

a mortgage

to deal with.

So,

thank you

so very much

for

helping

make that

possible.

Tree Dedication

The City of Riverside

will be planting

a tree on Mt. Rubidoux

in Mark’s memory.

The tree dedication will be on

Saturday May 9 at 10 am.

Hope to see you there.

Be sure to arrive early enough to hike up (takes approx. 30-40 minutes) and bring some water.

Map here.

Here are some pics from our latest hike up Mt. Rubidoux two weeks ago…

Not Small Stuff

Easter 2008- Had everyone over to our house

Confession- Maybe I’m a bad parent, but I forget to remind Nolan the meaning of Easter.  So, here we are the day before and I was just making sure he knew.  Didn’t want him to think it was really about the food coloring or the smelly eggs, not even about the plastic baskets filled with goodies.

That conversation got me thinking about the meaning of Easter.  Jesus rose from the dead.  That’s not small stuff.  He rose from the dead.

But, I close my eyes and think about Easter and seriously picture the scary white and pink six foot bunny from the mall.  As sad as it is, it is the first thing that comes to mind.  Weird.

But what day of the year could be more significant?  Without Easter, this life would be as close as it gets to heaven.  But it’s not now.

This year the meaning of Easter sings out to me.  I can’t help but hear it.  It’s a welcome sound.  Never have I more appreciated what it’s all about.

3 Months Later- April 8

3 Months Later.

Life without Mark is unreal.  I feel like I’m waiting for him to come home.

I want to go back to December and somehow force him not to go to that dirt bike track.

I never wanted Mark to buy a dirt bike of his own.

When he would consider it, I would remind him that I want to keep him around.

He didn’t get a dirt bike because of that.

But what are the chances? The day he goes to test drive them.

That he would have an accident. On a track. With a helmet.

That he would be hurt so badly. And die.

The accident. The phone call. The coma. The month in the hospital.

It is unreal.

What is real, is the life we had together.

Our family. Our plans.

Any day we were expecting the call. We had her room mostly ready.

The aqua blue walls. The crib we salvaged from a yard sale. The pink velvety bumper pad.

We had argued while we crackle painted her dresser.

A few outfits were purchased even though we didn’t know how old she would be.

Over a year we had prayed for this little girl.

A daughter to love, a sister for Nolan.

That was real.

The stupid fight we had the night before his accident.

The snuggling on the couch that morning.

Being so transparent with someone.

Being one.

Life now. Not so real.

The waves of reality are beginning to sweep over me. They come, they go.

Catching glimpses of what it will look like to be a single mom.

Raising Nolan.

No matter how much family or how many friends – I am responsible for this little man.

Tonight Nolan expressed his anger at me.

That’s when it hit me. I can’t do enough because I can’t make it better. So hard for me as a mom. I just want to fix it.

Being forced into doing lots of new things for myself like being the driver (made it to LA with the help-or lack thereof-of a couple GPS systems) and ironing.

Getting used to those things, but it doesn’t make life right now any more real.

By Your Side

This song is so amazing to me right now. Found this great slideshow on youtube.  Check it out:

A Spiritual Journey

August 15 (1996) –Mark’s John Muir Trail Journal

I wake up today knowing that never again will there be another day of the John Muir Trail.

Never again will I lay in my sleeping bag and stare at the stars at night.

No more pumping water.

No more days of adventure lie ahead.

Maybe not.

I learned that every day should be approached like a mountain.

One step at a time, and before you know it, its over.

You have completed that challenge.

Today we hike our last 6 miles of wilderness.

I can imagine how I will feel as I lay in my comfortable bed at home.

Dreaming of climbing that next pass.

Crossing that next meadow.

Life is different now—

I woke up in tent city this morning.

I went to a high rock and laid basking in the first sun of the day.

I thanked God for this experience.

I thanked Him for the warm sun.

I thanked Him for my beautiful family.

I thanked Him for all He has given me.

I thanked Him for His love, which is better than life.

I thanked Him for opening my eyes to His glory, to His love that sustains me through all.

He is my lord and savior.

I answer to Him.

I cry out for His mercy. And He answered me!

Mark’s experience on the John Muir Trail was a spiritual journey that forever shaped his perspective of God. It was the point in time when he realized what’s important in life.

What in your life has shaped your perspective of God? Please share if you would like. I’m interested in hearing.

Playtime

As I tucked Nolan in bed tonight he asked if daddy is ever coming back because he really misses him. Broke my heart.

My memory is terrible and always has been. Afraid that I will forget so many things and not be able to share stories with Nolan of him and his dad. Think I’ll start journaling about it.

Mark and Nolan played together most days. Sometimes it was inside playing legos or blocks, but a lot of times it was outside riding bikes, hiking, or playing on the scooters. Nolan’s favorite thing to talk about right now is when daddy took him fishing.

When Mark died and I told Nolan that his daddy was gone, he began crying and said “But who is going to play with me?”

I am just beginning to understand the depth and meaning behind that statement. Playtime is so precious to kids.

St. Patrick’s Day

Mammoth Trip 2008

A quick trip to Target this week and I left in tears. Strange because I’ve felt unable to cry lately, but suddenly I couldn’t help it. Saw a couple moseying through the store and reminded me so much of Mark. Just missing his presence. Accidentally called his cell phone today. Not sure why or even who I was trying to call. But I looked down and I had dialed his number.

Last year on St. Patrick’s Day, we were in Mammoth on our annual family trip. We crammed into a little condo, let the kids run around, and had a few days of chaos as a family. It was great. I would love to do that again with him.

Congratulations Mark

   Today would have been a day of celebration in our home.  A letter was received notifying Mark  of his acceptance to the PA program at  RCC.  Acceptance into the program is competitive  and has been Mark’s goal and the focus of his  studies for the past three years. Mark would have been thrilled. 

 It was a difficult letter to receive. At first it brought a smile to my face. But within a  few minutes that happiness changed to tears as another reminder that Mark is not here to enjoy what he  had worked so hard to accomplish.

Mark loved what he was studying and had a passion for his work.  At night  when he would tuck Nolan into bed, he would lay  there with him and name every bone in Nolan’s  body.  It would put him right to sleep…actually, often they would both fall asleep. 

 I am always glad when someone else recognizes what an  incredible man Mark is…RCC made a great  decision.  Mark would be an amazing  PA.  

Congratulations Mark!

 

Chuck

Nolan loves making movies.

Last week we visited Noah in Hollywood to

watch the taping of the show Chuck.

We went to Warner Bros Studios.

The set was impressive.

Nolan was right at home and loved meeting Zach Levi

(aka Chuck).  This inspired Nolan and today he was

pretending he was a computer nerd spy named Chuck.

We ended the day by visiting Hollywood Blvd and

Grahman’s Chinese Theatre with Noah and David.

Here’s Nolan walking in Harrison Ford’s footsteps.

March 8.

I can’t believe this Sunday will be two months since Mark died. Two of the longest months of my life. The same day will be six years since my Dad died of a brain tumor.

It’s a stormy time for my soul. I’m still holding my breath, not wanting to breathe in the reality of a world lacking something so amazing- Mark.

Decided to embrace mourning but I’m not sure what that means. What I know is that I can’t try to push through this on my own. I couldn’t.

I would wear black, stay inside, and read books all day if not for my little man. Good thing that he keeps me on the go.

Nolan Jones and the Crystal Skull

Nolan had a great time making this movie last week with Noah. It features Nolan, his cousin Tristan, and Caleb Angulo (aka “Bangulo”).

We’ve already watched it 10 times. Nolan looks forward to your comments!

Mission Completion

Nolan and Uncle Tim hard at work

Mark’s Dad and Uncle Tim have been coming over to finish some projects around the house, in the garage, and out back. While they were out here, Uncle Tim made a battleship with Nolan. They are so great to help out.

Decisions, Decisions

Olivewood Memorial Park

The irony of life.  Major decisions must be made just when you can’t think (or maybe don’t want to) and despite reminders not to make any major decisions for a year after a loss. It just can’t be helped though.  Some decisions have to be made.

Nolan has been having anxiety about going to school.  A friend graciously offered to home school Nolan or enable me to do it.  He started with her last week and it seems to be helping.

That leads to decisions with work. Should I continue to work full time? Part time? Not work for a while?

Another decision is regarding what to say on Mark’s gravestone. I spent some time at his graveside on Friday journaling and hoping for the right words to come to mind.

I have been praying for clarity. I want the “voice”. That clear voice, even if faint, in the back of my head telling me what to do.   If ever I was going to hear it, I was thinking it would be at such a time as this.

No voice yet, but I was thinking of Proverbs when it says to “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.”

A Valentine

So the counselor says I’m still in denial and I agree. I just keep thinking in my head…I can’t believe he’s gone. I can’t believe it. And really all that means is just that—CAN’T. When my mind tries to wander to think of Mark, to realize that he’s gone, that it’s reality, I can’t let it go there. I refocus my attention. I am scared for that reality to sink in.

Mark is such a loving man. His letters and cards always had tremendous depth and meaning to them. I love that he gave me those. Now that he’s not here with me I can see his heart in them and remember why it hurts so much to not have him here.

Mark gave me a card that read: “Love—I’m glad we’re in it together”. Mark wrote inside: “You bring warm feelings to my heart whenever I think of you. You soothe my mind and encourage me in the journey of life. Thank you for loving me and holding my hand. Thank you for missing me and wanting me to come home. I LOVE YOU!”

I think that is exactly what he would have written in the valentine card he would give me this year…I’m glad I had it to hold onto.

Meet Nolan, the Director

Nolan had been asking for weeks, maybe months, if he could use our video camera to make a movie.  We kept meaning to charge the camera battery and let him go to work but hadn’t gotten around to it.

While we were at the hospital, Mark’s cousin Noah brought his video camera to help make one.  So they spent an afternoon shooting Nolan’s first movie which he named “Super Punches”.

I can’t help but laugh when I watch it.  My favorite part is seeing Nolan’s little hands moving the action figures.  Enjoy…

Moment by Moment

It’s completely different to mourn with Mark than it is to mourn without him. Truly I am empty right now. I really have no strength of my own, and I believe that whatever people are seeing is God getting me through this. I miss Mark on a level I can’t express and don’t fully understand. It’s missing another person and a part of myself. My purpose is mixed up. Our plans no longer exist.

Such a tremendous sadness. In the morning I wake to it. It’s a reality that is so difficult to even let my mind think of. Every morning when it sinks in just a bit I can’t help but throw up. Nolan gets the same way when he’s overwhelmed. He even threw up when I took him to school this morning.

But what I thank God for is that it’s not like that all day. I think it would be without hope. In the morning, as soon as I start to awake it’s like I’m slapped in the face with reality. Mark is gone. It wasn’t just a nightmare. He’s really gone and he’s never coming back. But moment by moment God takes me through the day. And I don’t stay so sad. Life doesn’t stay so dismal. God truly gives me hope. I am hoping that He will redefine my purpose. Give me direction and set His plans before me. I am encouraged throughout the day through God’s promises. Knowing where Mark is. Thanking God for the amazing love that we were able to share and the time that He gave us. That helps so much…to look at all the blessings that God has given us. Especially for our little guy.

I am thankful for you all. Your comments and prayers encourage me throughout the day.

Perspective

Thank you for your cards, gifts, and prayers. One gift that I received was a book called “The Tender Scar” and it was insightful. I read that this first year will be particularly hard and appreciate your prayers to help us through it.

Mark is missed.  The world feels so different without him in it.

Today Nolan learned some new skateboard tricks.  I know Mark would have gotten out there with him and been so excited.  It was hard to not be able to share that with him.

There are so many little moments like that throughout each day.  I would look forward to Saturday mornings around the house or we would go to yard sales.  In the afternoon we would often have family over for a barbecue.   After putting Nolan down to bed, Mark and I would lay on the couch and watch tv.  During the week Mark would pull in the driveway after a day of work and I’d anticipate him unlocking the door and rushing in for a hug.

So many people say I’m strong, but really I’ve never felt more the opposite.  I don’t know how to feel or really what to do. I will trust that God will get me from one moment to the next.

At the same time, I want to be able to look out for Nolan and help him through this. That’s a challenge since I am lost myself.  But I know that since I don’t have a clue what I am doing, God will give me strength and show how strong He is.

I was so encouraged this week by a bible study I attended at Harvest.  The pastor was James MacDonald visiting from a church in Chicago. He is going through his own trial right now as he battles prostate cancer, and was teaching on turning trials to gold.  I would recommend that you listen to it on Harvest.org.  It helped me with my perspective.

Thank you again for praying…you have inspired me to do the same for others.

Mark’s Memorial Service Video

You can now view the video of Mark’s Memorial Service (length 1:50:10). Thanks to the Harvest Web Department for helping get it online.

Mark’s Memorial Slideshow

Here’s the slide show that played at Mark’s memorial service on Saturday.  It’s about 7 minutes long.  (We’re currently working on getting the entire memorial service online.  Check back soon to watch.)

Memorial Service

You are invited to the memorial service for Mark Lamberth. It will be Saturday, January 17th, 2009 at 10:00 AM in the main sanctuary of Harvest Christian Fellowship in Riverside, CA . There will be a light lunch reception following. A family room is available for families whose children may become restless during the service.

A New Article

The local paper wanted to write a update on Mark. It is beautiful. You can read it here.

Ways To Help

Many people have been asking Josh and me how they can help. The reason why this post has taken such a long time to come out is because we have spent a lot of time praying and thinking about this. I think that we can all agree that this would be what Mark would want. These are the ideas that we came up with.

Pray.
Continue to pray for the entire family and friends as they grieve over the loss of Mark. Also pray for strength during the funeral arrangements process. Thank you for carrying the family through your prayers.

Comment.
In the comment section below or by email (on sidebar) please post something you want Nolan to know or remember about his dad and we will turn it into a nice scrapbook for him to cherish forever.

Give.
Please join with us in giving Angie and Nolan a house with no mortgage. A little over a year ago when Mark and Angie found the cozy place they now live in, Mark began transforming the house into a home for his family. He poured himself into various projects such as removing a wall to open up the kitchen, adding new cabinets and counters in the kitchen, replacing the flooring, putting in a new fence and brick patio, and painting virtually every surface.
Now that Mark is no longer here, Angie is going to have a difficult time affording the mortgage. This would be a great opportunity for all of us to step in and help her keep this home that Mark provided for them by paying off the mortgage. As a community of thousands this is an attainable goal. Mark was passionate about providing and caring for his family. We have set up a Memorial Fund in honor of Mark that would help us in achieving this. All donations would be tax deductible for you and tax-free for Angie. You can donate online by clicking the donate button on the sidebar or write a check payable to the Lamberth Memorial Fund and mail it to: Lamberth Memorial Fund, P.O. Box 2309, Riverside, CA 92516-2309.
Pray. Comment. Give.

The Hike

Thanks for showing your support today by praying for Angie and Nolan. Many people prayed remote and others came up to the top of Mt. Rubidoux. We prayed, sang, and shared about Mark’s influence in our lives. It was really cool. There are some pictures of the hike on the side bar.

See You At The Top

We are still meeting at the Mt. Rubidoux cross at 10:00 AM tomorrow. See here for more details.

Keep checking back for more details regarding the service and ways to help.

Who’s in?

Mark is with the Lord.

About 5:30 this evening, Mark went home to be with the Lord. Gathered around him were his wife, his parents, his siblings, and many other family and friends.  We can’t begin to explain how grateful we are for all of your prayers and kind words. This has been a very long 4 weeks, but God has shown Himself to be strong.

Please keep Angie and Nolan in your prayers. Angie has said that she already feels so lonely.  Please continue to visit this blog to show Angie your support.  We will have an announcement soon about how you can help support them through a memorial fund. Also, we will let you know about the pending memorial service. 

1 Thessalonians 4:13-14:
But we do not want you to be uninformed brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep.

Update Day #28

Angie and the family will be meeting with the doctor shortly to assess Mark’s status. Please keep praying for Angie that the Lord will give her wisdom and peace as she will more than likely have to make some challenging decisions very soon.

PM Update Day 27

As this challenging day draws to an end, we continue to trust and call out to the Lord for an 11th hour miracle. Another doctor came in this evening to give a second opinion. After looking at Mark’s CAT scans, he concurred with the first doctor that the hemorrhage Mark had in his brain was “catastrophic” in nature and that medically there is nothing more they can do for him.  Despite this, Mark still looks peaceful as many family and friends have come by to pray with him and Angie and offer encouragement.

We ask that you continue to call out to God for His mercy and that He will give Angie wisdom as she may have to make some difficult choices.

Still Pray

Hey guys.
It’s Carlos.
I just got off the phone with Casey who asked me to update.
Since last night when Mark’s brain started bleeding. He is resting peacefully.

We still hang on to the hope of God’s moving and healing in this situation throughout every detail.
Please pray for comfort during this time.

Urgent

The hemorrhage in Mark’s head has ruptured.  At this point, doctors don’t see that there is more they can do.  Mark’s brain is continuing to be filled with blood.  The doctors would like to discuss some things.  Please pray.

Urgent Prayer Request

Mark and Angie really need our prayers this morning! Please be praying…….More to come later……….

See you at the cross!

Some of us in Riverside plan on hiking up Mt. Rubidoux and meeting at the cross to pray for Mark this Saturday morning at 10am. Remember to give yourself enough time to hike. For some people, they can make it to the top in 20 minutes; for others it could be 40 minutes. If you are out of the area or out of breath thinking about the hike, perhaps you can set aside a few minutes at 10am and pray with us.

The Details

Meeting place: The cross on top of Mt. Rubidoux – Riverside, CA
Meeting date: Saturday, January 10, 2009
Meeting time: 10am Pacfic Time
Directions to trailhead:

From the Pomona Freeway (60) in Riverside, exit on Market Street and proceed east into downtown. Turn west (right) on Mission Inn Avenue and drive 7 blocks to Redwood Drive. Turn left and head 2 blocks to 9th Street, turn right and continue 2 more blocks to the distinct trailhead (gated Mt. Rubidoux Drive) on the left. Park safely and courteously on adjacent residential streets.

From the Riverside Freeway (91) in Riverside, exit on University Avenue and head west through downtown to Redwood Drive. Turn left, travel one block, then turn right on 9th Street. Proceed two more blocks to this hike’s start on the left.

Trail Map

PM Update Day 26

Please continue to pray for the hemorrhage on Mark’s brain- that the bleeding would go away. Although we had some bad news on the CT Scan, Mark continues to show increased reflexes which is good. It looked like he tried to open his eyes when turned on his side. The nurse says that that is a reflex.

They have reduced his morphine to 1, the Ativan is gone, and they have discontinued the methadone. The doctor did not think that Mark needed the methadone and will watch him closely to see if he exhibits any pain or withdrawal symptoms.

CAT Scan scheduled for tomorrow morning- please pray for improvement. Thank you for your encouragement…it was definitely a roller coaster of a day.

Major Setback

Today we are faced with a major setback. There will be no shunt surgery at this time. When Mark went for his CAT scan today the doctor discovered that Mark has a rebleed in his brain (an area that was previously injured that has begun bleeding again). The bleed is pretty bad. The doctor said that he is not sure if the bleed has stopped yet but will do a CAT scan everyday to monitor it. The bleed occurred sometime after the last CAT scan, which was on the 31st. The doctor said that even with the new signs of brain activity Mark still has only a 1 in 500 chance to live and it is very likely that he will never wakeup. This is very bad news and I am sure you can imagine how crushed Angie is at this time. The doctor said that this is a “wait and see” kind of situation. Our hope is in God and always has been. We know that He is in control. Your prayers are needed more now than ever. Continue to pray for a miracle. It is times like these that your prayers carry the Lamberths.

Update Day 26

Mark is steady and had a CAT Scan this morning. His morphine level is 1.5 and he is off Ativan completely. Surgery still on for 12:30.

Please be in prayer for the surgery. We will post when they prep him to leave.

Mark and YOU made the paper again

Welcome newcomers.

The articles ran in Northern California here.

On the National news  in Texas here.

And on these websites here and here.

Where did you here about the Lamberths?

PM Update Day 25

***Don’t forget to read the good news (in case you missed it).

Mark’s reflex to pain today was an encouraging sign.  He hadn’t been responding previously so this is great progress and the nurse agreed that this is a big deal!

I talked with Dr. Massoudi’s nurse practicioner (NP) today, but not Dr. Massoudi. The NP said that they are scheduling Mark to put in a ventriculoperitoneal (VP) shunt tomorrow. The surgery is scheduled for 12:30 and they will also remove the drain that is in currently.  The shunt will be a permanent device that will drain the Cerebral Spinal Fluid (CSF) from the ventricles to the abdomen. They will no longer be monitoring the ICP.

Also, tomorrow morning Mark will have a CT Scan. I am hoping to talk with Dr. Massoudi prior to Mark’s surgery and see what his thoughts are on Mark’s progress.  Due to the surgery the weaning of his sedation will be delayed slightly. However, the Dr. Marquez and the nurses are going to consult Dr. Massoudi to see if they can speed up the methadone protocol.

Hopefully Nolan will go back to school tomorrow or Wednesday… (I hope tomorrow)

Thank you for your encouragement and prayers!

Meet Mark #2

 

The Lamberths on a hike with the Angulos

Don’t forget to check out Mark’s awesome progress today!

Many people have been asking how my husband and I know Mark and Angie…

Back on September 12, 1999 we met Mark and Angie. Yes, we have a “friendiversary” (we met them on our wedding anniversary so it’s easy to remember). We were moving into an apartment called Casa. They came by and introduced themselves as our neighbors and the rest is history. Back when we lived next to each other we did almost everything together, family vacations, complain about the $10 rent increases, outdoor grilling and much more. We even drilled a hole through the wall between our apartments to share Internet (lets just keep that between us ). My husband and I love Mark and Angie and still hang out with them often to this day.

Here are some things I have learned while being Mark’s friend. Hanging out with Mark is always a blast because of his upbeat and funny personality. Mark makes an amazing sweet tea (his grandma’s recipe) and grills his hotdogs wrapped in bacon. The man has great taste! Mark is a friendly type and genuinely cares for others but especially cares deeply about Angie and Nolan. Mark loves God. 

In this awesome community there are many different kinds of people who are praying and supporting Mark and Angie. There are people who know Mark well and some who don’t even know him at all. How cool is that! For those who know Mark personally, lets give everyone the opportunity to “meet Mark!” Email prayforthelamberths@gmail.com for more info on participating in this series of posts.

Good Signs

In response to pain, Mark moved both hands!!!! The nurse said that this is significant. We still haven’t talked to the doctor. Keep checking in for more updates. (I am trying to sound understated but I have to say, “I am so excited!”)

Keep praying!! Things are happening!

Update Day 25

Here we are, Day 25. This morning Mark is still steady. Thank you for your prayers, Mark’s oxygen level in his brain is higher this morning. It is in the high 20’s. His swelling is improving and his ICP’s look good. They are still weaning Mark off the sedatives. The morphine is down to 1.5 and the Ativan is at 1/2. They are still regulating his temperature. Today Angie is hoping to talk to the neurosurgeon that performed Mark’s craniectomy, Dr. Massoudi. Check back for a post about what Dr. Massoudi says.

Nolan did not go to school today. Please pray Nolan would want to go to school. Angie wants to try again in a couple days.

Update to our lighter note … Mark’s mustache is now gone. He looks like Mark again.

Keep praying.

PM Update Day 24

Mark’s oxygen levels to his brain have been getting lower. They have been in the high 20’s or low 30’s until the past couple days.  Now it’s the low 20’s or high teens. They are still ok since they should be 20 or more, but the nurse wasn’t too concerned about it but also uncertain of the cause. The brain pressure has been good- between 10 and 15.

They are continuing to wean his sedation.  Keep praying for his pupils to react and for signs of brain activity.

Please pray for Nolan’s first day back to school tomorrow–that he would not be overwhelmed and that he would get his energy out at recess…pray that he can pay attention in class.

Update Day 24

Mark is looking good this morning. His fever came back overnight so they are regulating it once again with the Arctic Sun pads.  His vitals are good.  The morphine level is down to 2 and Ativan to 1 so they began the methadone protocol last night. Pray that Mark will show signs of increased brain activity. Tomorrow we are still hoping to have a conversation with Dr. Massoudi about Mark’s progress. Thank you for all for being so faithful to pray for a miracle.

PM Update Day 23

Mark is steady and looks better.  As we pray for a complete miraculous healing, here are some specifics that you can pray for as well.

His lungs need to be suctioned this evening which will allow more oxygen to circulate throughout his body and to his brain.  Pray that the procedure has the desired result.

Please also continue to pray that we see more signs of brain activity as they continue to slowly wean Mark from the sedatives that he’s been on.

His fever is pretty much gone.  Thanks for praying!

Update Day 23

Mark is still steady today. His temperature is up slightly. They are still weaning him off the sedatives. For you medical types his morphine level is now at a 3 and his Ativan level is 1 ½. They will begin the methadone protocol when his morphine gets down to a 2 (as morphine is highly addictive, this protocol will help him get off the morphine more safely). Please pray that as the sedatives are weaned, Mark would show signs of waking up or feeling pain.

In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation. Psalm 5:3

PM Update Day 22

Another update straight from Angie…

“Today has been a steady day.  Mark’s temperature is still under control. The neurologist said that his pupils are considered reactive which means they are responding to light a bit. That’s good.

Mark is being weaned off sedatives and they are watching for signs that he will be waking up.  The signs will be responses to pain and reflexes.  Please pray for his brain to heal and that he would exhibit these signs.

The neurosurgeon that performed Mark’s craniectomy, Dr. Massoudi, will return on Monday. (He’s been gone for a couple weeks since his wife had a baby.) At that point we are hoping to talk with Dr. Massoudi and see what his thoughts are on Mark’s progress. Please pray over the weekend for that conversation and for Mark to improve over the weekend.

His swelling is much better and his vitals are great.  Keep praying that he would not get an infection and the fever would stay away.

Nolan is going back to school Monday if Mark remains steady (at least that’s the plan).  Please pray that would go well for Nolan.”

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Phillippians 4:6

Update Day 22

Here is an update straight from Angie…

“Mark is steady today and they are slowly continuing to wean him from sedation. Pupils are beginning to react still slight but reacting.  His fever is down and pressure was 9 when I saw him this morning.

Pray for:
-complete recovery & healing of his brain
-pneumonia (lungs to continue to improve)
-he would begin to wake up as the medication is weaned
-drs, nurses, hospital staff
-protection from infection”

Thanks for praying last night. His fever and ICP has improved! Your prayers and comments are so encouraging.

PM Update Day 21

O LORD, God of my salvation;
I cry out day and night before you. Psalm 88:1

All day I was excited that Mark seems to be holding up so well. When I get excited about baby steps I sometimes loose track of the fact that Mark is still VERY critical condition.  Mark has a slight fever tonight and his ICP is back up to 15. Please pray for whatever is causing this rise in temperature and pressure. Pray for his lungs and the pneumonia. The results of the CAT scan show the damage to his brain is the same. The doctors and nurses want to see more signs of brain activity. Please pray that God would send some signs of brain activity and that the medical staff would remain hopeful. They are beginning to wean him off the sedative at a slow pace. Mark’s regular neurologist will be back from his vacation on Monday. Mark needs a miracle!!

Who’s praying tonight?

Meet Mark

Welcome to our new series called “Meet Mark.”

Dr. Ken Wilkens has offered to be the first one to help all of us get to know Mark a little better. He is a great friend and co-worker of Mark and has been instrumental in helping get Mark the best possible treatment for his injuries. The Lamberth family is very thankful for Dr. Wilkens.

“Mark is an unbelievable person.  In the OR, Mark’s assistance is like having a permanent Chief Resident at your side (plus he talks back less than a resident J).  Days spent in the ER and OR with him go by quickly as we enjoy plating/rodding people back together, and his upbeat personality keeps us lively in the OR.  He is a complete natural in orthopaedics, with a brilliant future ahead. Despite what his job description says, he CAN use scissors, and is damn good at it.  Can’t wait for his return.”

Ken Wilkens, MD
Orthopaedic Trauma Director
Mission Hospital

In this awesome community there are many different kinds of people who are praying and supporting Mark and Angie. There are people who know Mark well and some who don’t even know him at all. How cool is that! For those who know Mark personally, lets give everyone the opportunity to “meet Mark!” Email prayforthelamberths@gmail.com for more info on participating in this series of posts.

Update Day 21

Mark is looking a little better this morning. He was steady over night. His ICP is around 9. His lips and jaw are pretty swollen. This is to be expected. Keep praying for a miracle. On a lighter note… Mark now has a nice mustache.

Surgery Was A Success

The oral and maxillofacial doctor came to give us the good news that his part of the surgery was a success. Mark’s jaw was fractured in several places but he was able to insert a metal plate and realign Mark’s bite. Mark will have his jaw wired shut for about a month.  He will also have swelling from the surgery, which is normal. Mark is getting a CAT scan right now and we will post the results if we are given any tonight. Thank you for all your dedication for checking in and praying during New Years Eve. Thank you God for protecting Mark and guiding the talented doctors during the surgery.

Mid-Surgery Update

The doctor just popped in to let Angie know that the tracheostomy and G & J tube surgeries went really good. The oral and maxillofacial doctor has been working on Mark’s jaw for about 20 minutes now.  He should be back to his room in about an hour. Keep praying.

Mark is in the OR

He is actually in the OR now.  Pray that everything goes well during the next 3 hours.

Here We Go

They are prepping Mark for surgery. The doctors said it will be in 15 minutes. Pray. We will update when he goes in. Spread the word.

More Delays

Now it’s looking like the surgery will be around 5:30PM (PST). Thanks for hanging in there! Check back.

Surgery Delays

They are still waiting for room in the OR. His surgery will be postponed until after 4PM. I will post when he goes in. Thanks for checking in. Keep praying.

Now might be a great time to sign up to recieve updates on your mobile device from Mark’s twitter account. Just click on the Twitter link on the side bar.

Surgery Update

They are waiting for room in the OR. His surgery will be postponed until after 2PM. I will post when he goes in. Thanks for checking in. Keep praying.

Update Day 20

Mark’s numbers remain steady so he still set for surgery at 1PM today. The doctors at Mission Hospital have confirmed that they will indeed be repairing his jaw during the surgery. For a list of all the procedures see here. Please pray for Mark and his talented medical team today especially from one o’clock on. Spread the word about this urgent need for prayer today.  Thanks!

Blessed be the LORD, the God of Israel, who alone does wondrous things. Psalm 72:18

Watch for updates. Let us know your praying.

PM Update Day 19

Mark has been steady all day today. This is good and allowed Angie to feel somewhat okay to go home today for a couple hours. Please pray for Angie and Nolan.

There are some good steadiness/improvements happening but they still need prayer, as they are not yet optimum. The steadiness/improvements are that the pressure in his brain has stayed around 15 or better, his pneumonia is improving, and his respiration is still at a 1:1 ratio.

Tomorrow they have scheduled the tracheostomy for 1PM. During the surgery they are also trying to schedule Mark’s broken jaw to be repaired, and lastly they giving him a jejunostomy and a gastrostomy.

It was so exciting today to meet even more people who are joining in on praying for a miracle for Mark. Thank you to Alicia Robinson and The Press Enterprise for writing and printing such a great article.

The Lamberth family covets your prayers.

Update Day 19

Mark is steady. His lungs look a little better today. His brain pressure went up slightly to 15. It looks like we are still talking about the tracheostomy for this week but it won’t be today. Pray for the pressure and keep praying for a miracle. Thanks!

More people are praying for Mark. Welcome.